Tag Archives: SASH

Every narcissist needs a codependent love addict

Posted on November 8, 2017 by Melissa Killeen
melissa-new-post

Melissa Killeen

“The most common toxic relationship is between the codependent love addict and the narcissist love addict. Opposites attract and love addicts are vulnerable to charming people.” -Author, therapist and founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, Susan Peabody.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. It stems from childhood abuse. When these abused children are young, they decide that the world, and the people in it, are bad and they are the only ones that are good. These thoughts result in a distorted view of themselves. They are the ones that are perfect, and they should be catered to. They lack compassion for others, because everyone else is ‘less than’ or wrong. In general, narcissists are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship because they have to be in control at all times. But really, a narcissist has to be in control so they are not abandoned, abused or hurt. These narcissistic behaviors find a home in any gender, male or female and in any relationship, heterosexual, gay or bi-sexual.

If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a narcissist’s need for control and self-centeredness. If you make an error they will be critical and unsympathetic. And they will never forget a past mistake. They hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.

Narcissists are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to impress people is amazing. They appear confident, exciting and are a “match made in heaven”. Love addicts fall for narcissists and bond with them. The narcissist is so good at their craft, that when their true colors emerge, they manipulate their codependent love addict partner to ensure they will not abandon them. It is as if the narcissist and codependent love addict are fighting for the same thing. The codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist.

Early abandonment of a child places that kid into a very harsh environment, forcing them to endure and grow up rapidly. They hate the fact they were abandoned but believe that they can endure, and if they work hard enough, abandonment will never happen to them again. A codependent love addict adult emerges from this traumatic childhood environment.

A male codependent love addict is a survivor. He will scrape and do without in order for his offspring and family to survive. These men are self-effacing, excelling in sales, in service positions or dealing with the public. If he needs more money than his 9-5 career can provide, we will find him at a grocery store stocking shelves at midnight or a Home Depot directing others to purchase Sawzalls or mulch on a weekend. These codependent love addicts are constantly fulfilling their role as the primary enabler for their narcissist. A consummate “make doer”, he is unable to speak up for himself, selling himself short in order to avoid the pain of conflict with his loved one. He is strong, he is resilient, and he is a “mute coyote”.

You might want to consider attending a 12 step mutual support group such as:

http://www.loveaddicts.org/

http://www.slaafws.org

http://coda.org/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

For training consider the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) which is a training resource for therapists specializing in the areas of sex addiction recovery and trauma http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals

 

Another good book and resource are:

We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes by Carrie C-B , Ken P, Bob T http://www.amazon.com/We-Codependent-Men-Inspiration-Addicted/dp/0578079704

Share
Posted in Addiction, love addiction, Pornography, Recovery Coaching | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Dance of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

A love addict knows they do not want an emotionally unavailable partner, and the love avoidant knows they want an emotionally distant mate. Yet, the love addict and love avoidant still end up being attracted to each other.

The love addict, having experienced childhood emotional and/or physical abandonment, will look for someone who can dance of a love avoidant love addict“rescue” them. The love avoidant, having experienced childhood enmeshment, will look for a person to “rescue.”

Love avoidants recognize and are attracted to the love addict’s strong need to be rescued, or their fear of being abandoned. Avoidants know that they have control with a love addict. All they have to do to trigger their partner’s abandonment fear by being distant or threatening to leave. Love avoidants, whenever they pull that ‘I am leaving’ trigger, use it so they are in control. This allows them to be distant, to escape and avoid intimacy whenever they want. The avoidant’s behavior makes the love addict do anything to keep the avoidant, anything at any cost in order not to be abandoned. This interplay is what we refer to as “the dance.”

What does the love addict/love avoidant dance look like?

The love addict enters any relationship in a haze of fantasy, whereas the love avoidant feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as “needy,” even though the avoidant is unsure of their long-term staying potential in the relationship. The dance of the love addict and love avoidant goes something like this:

Love Addict: “I am SOOOOO happy…I met this man and he’s everything I’ve always wanted…he has a fantastic job, loves travelling and loves children. We’re trying to see each other every day and I text him every morning, we talk at least 20 times a day… ”

Avoidant: “I met this girl, I’m not too sure about her, but she’s nice, I mean…I may as well give it a try…”

The love addict uses denial to protect their addictive rituals and fantasies, not wanting to look at the avoidant building up walls and starting to back away. The love avoidant, in order not to be controlled and to fulfil his or her duty, appears to be two things: being available to help, maybe even being sexually available, but hiding behind a wall that protects the avoidant from any emotional connection.

Love Addict: “It’s great, I mean, he works a lot – weekends included – and with his volunteer commitments, we don’t spend a lot of time together but that’s okay….Guess what? He’s invited me for a get-away weekend at the beach!

Avoidant: “OK…I’d better give her something or she’s really going to get mad….I’m going to send her flowers and maybe book a hotel room at the beach….”

Something happens and reality comes crashing in on the love addict, the fantasy of a relationship with the perfect person is destroyed. The love addict enters  emotional withdrawal from the fantasy and in this withdrawal phase they experience an overwhelming sense of pain, shame, rage or panic. At the same time, the love avoidant starts to feel controlled or smothered. An entitlement characteristic comes forth and the avoidant says they deserve their independence, their life, they have work or family responsibilities, etc. The avoidant turns from the white knight into a wall of brick.

Love Addict: “You’ll never believe it…first he said he’d phone me and then he didn’t. At the last minute, he cancelled the weekend at the beach because he needed to work… I don’t know how I can get through this: I feel rejected, abandoned, alone.

Avoidant: “I can’t believe she’s so angry about me cancelling the trip… I have to work. Where does she think the money comes from for the gifts, the dinners, the flowers? I’m through with her, I am done, this relationship is too much work….”

To return to the fantasy, and avoid feeling this sense of helplessness and hopelessness, the love addict either medicates, obsesses about the person or starts getting even. The love avoidant begins to feel hurt, and remembers that this is why he choose not to get close in a relationship, they create distance, and wants to numb out. The avoidant will numb out by creating an intensity outside of the relationship, often with substances, risk taking, or by sexually acting out.

Love Addict: “I’m useless and I will die alone as a bag lady, and homeless. No one wants me. How am I going to live on my own? Maybe if I change, if I go on a diet, say I am sorry…”

Avoidant: “I can’t breathe anymore… She is always telling me what she needs, wants… Gee, I need some space…I need to relax… I’ll just have this one drink (or joint, affair, etc.).”

The final part of the dance is for the love addict to return to the fantasy with the same love avoidant partner or find a new love interest…and for the love avoidant they will either return to the relationship with the love addict because they subconsciously fear being alone, and return out of guilt, or they will move on to a new partner.

Love Addict: “He called me, it’s fantastic! I think he is going to ask me to marry him!” or “You won’t believe it, I met a new guy, he just split up with someone…”

Avoidant: “If I ask her to marry me, she’ll forgive me for my affair…” or “I can’t handle her anymore…so I met this girl last night…”

What if you identify with the love addict or the love avoidant ?

The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned. They are two sides of the same coin. Both have experienced childhood trauma, both need to learn about how to face their fears, and their abandonment traumas. Both need to embrace a desire to achieve healthy intimacy with their partner.

If you find yourself enmeshed in this ‘Dance”, consider speaking to a professional. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health has certified therapists in your area that may be able to help.

 

Share
Posted in Addiction, Addiction Recovery Posts, love addiction, Recovery Coaching, Sex Addiction | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments Off on The Dance of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant

Child Pornography – Part Three

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

Will an offender that views child porn become a ‘hands on’ offender?

Melissa Killeen

Melissa Killeen

The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers is an international, multi-disciplinary organization dedicated to preventing sexual abuse. In a report adopted by the ATSA Executive Board of Directors on September 7, 2010 it was found that there is increasing attention paid to Internet-facilitated sexual offending. Internet-related sexual offending includes different crimes, including: viewing, trading, or producing child pornography to be traded or posted on-line. Others use the Internet to make contact with a child, or adolescent, these offenders are often called ‘hands on’ or ‘contact’ offenders. These offenders seek to contact vulnerable persons for sexual chats (electronic correspondence), exploitation such as convincing a child to view or produce pornographic images (e.g., having the child take and email a nude picture of him/herself), or to arrange face-to-face meetings to commit sexual offenses (sometimes referred to as “luring” or “traveler” offending)1 .

The vast majority of these ‘contact’ abuses against minors are from either a family member, or someone the child knows such as a family friend, coach, teacher or church leader, according to Dr. Fred Berlin, founder and director of the Johns Hopkins Sexual Disorders Clinic in Baltimore. Whereas the viewer of child pornography remains anonymous.

That is not to say there is not a significant amount of psychological damage is perpetrated on children during the production and subsequent constant viewing of child pornography. Incredible and devastating harm is done to these young children that requires years of counseling and treatment in order for these young victims to heal, if they can ever heal. It is the point of this blog, to clarify that viewers of child pornography often do not move on to being ‘contact’ offenders.

It is a primary concern for professionals who evaluate and treat Internet-facilitated sexual offenders to assess the risk these viewers may pose to perpetrate direct contact offenses with victim(s) or to commit future Internet-facilitated sexual offenses such as producing and/or distributing child pornography. Accurate risk assessment is critical to decisions by law enforcement in order to make appropriate recommendations for sentencing, treatment, and level of supervision. Across studies of Internet-facilitated child pornography offenders, approximately one in ten has an officially known history of contacting a child for the purpose of sexual offending2 . However, the majority of Internet-facilitated sexual offenders have no known history of contact sexual offenses. Some, through self-reporting, suggests these offenders may have committed contact offenses, but never got caught. However unfortunately, there is very little research to assess the risk of viewers of child pornography who have no official history of contact sexual offenses to relapse into contact offenders.

A follow-up study of offenders that view child pornography suggest these individuals present less risk for any future hands-on offenses, on average, than undifferentiated samples of contact sex offenders3 . Viewers of child pornography also presented a relatively low risk to commit another child pornography viewing offense. The preliminary results of follow-up research suggest criminal history, self-reported sexual interest in children, and unstable lifestyle (e.g., substance use problems) are factors that identify the likelihood that contact offenders will re-offend. As a result of these risks and unstable lifestyles, 8.5% of the offender population are more likely commit a contact sexual offense in the future4 .

Possession of child pornography is a felony under federal law and in every state. If you know of anyone producing or promoting child pornography, please report them through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678. If you are concerned about what you or a loved one has been looking at while online, seek the help of a professional who specializes in this area.

References used in this blog:

1 Motivans, M., & Kyckelhahn, T. (2007). Federal prosecution of child sex exploitation offenders, 2006 (Report No. NCJ 219412). Bureau of Justice Statistics Bulletin. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs.

2 Seto, M.C., Hanson, R.K., and Babchishin, K.M. (in press). Contact Sexual Offending By Men with Online Sexual Offenses. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment.

3 Seto, M. C., & Eke, A. W. (2005). The future offending of child pornography offenders. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 17, 201-210

4 Wolak, J., Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K. J., & Ybarra, M. L. (2008). Online “predators” and their victims: Myths, realities, and implications for prevention and treatment. American Psychologist, 63, 111-128.

The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) is a nonprofit multidisciplinary organization dedicated to scholarship, training, and resources for promoting sexual health and overcoming problematic sexual behaviors. SASH is the only organization dedicated specifically to helping those who suffer from out of control sexual behavior. http://sash.net/?q=about-us

National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678 . The CyberTipline is operated in partnership with the FBI, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, U.S. Postal Inspection Service, U.S. Secret Service, military criminal investigative organizations, U.S. Department of Justice, Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force program, as well as other state and local law enforcement agencies.

Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers is an international, multi-disciplinary organization dedicated to preventing sexual abuse. Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers offers symposia, workshop presentations, discussion groups, and advanced clinics relating to issues in both victim and perpetrator research and treatment at an annual conference in November 2016.

Share
Posted in Addiction, Family Dynamics, Pornography, pornography addiction, Relapse, Sex Addiction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Child Pornography – Part Three