Tag Archives: Robert Weiss

Affected by a Loved One’s Addiction? “Prodependence” is a Must Read

Posted on July 15, 2020 by Melissa Killeen

Dr. Robert Weiss is widely known for his therapeutic work and his books about addiction, in particular sex, porn, and love addiction. His latest book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, is an extension of these efforts, focusing on the ways in which therapists (and the public) view and treat not just addicts, but spouses and family members of addicts.

For more than three decades, the primary treatment and recovery model for loved ones of addicts has been codependence, which typically labels efforts to help an addicted or otherwise struggling loved one as enmeshed and enabling. Then, the caregiving family member is identified as codependent and told that he or she needs to “detach with love” or nothing will ever get better.

To a person who loves and cares for an addict, the codependence model feels like they’re being blamed and shamed for someone else’s problem. And that doesn’t make a lot of sense to them.

With Prodependence, Dr. Weiss steers us in a new direction—celebrating rather than denigrating the desire to stay connected with and to care for a struggling loved one, even in the face of addiction. Weiss asks: “If I love someone with a physical illness or a disability by helping that person and the rest of my family, even to my detriment, I’m a saint. But if I love and care for an addict in the same way, I am called out as enmeshed, enabling, controlling, and codependent. Why is there a difference?”

That seems like a reasonable question, to which there is no real answer.

To remedy the situation, Dr. Weiss suggests a new model, which he calls prodependence. About this approach, he says, “To treat loved ones of addicts using prodependence, we need not find that something is ‘wrong with them.’ We can simply acknowledge the trauma and inherent dysfunction that occurs when living in close relationship with an addict, and then we can address that in the healthiest, least shaming way.”

Interesting, Dr. Weiss’s approach to treatment, in terms of the work that loved ones of addicts need to do, is similar to the work done in codependency treatment—an improved focus on self-care and setting better boundaries with the addict (and others). The difference is in how therapists and caregiving loved ones think about and talk about the situation.

Codependence imposes a pseudo-pathology that blames and shames the caregiving loved one; prodependence understands the caregiving loved one is in the midst of an ongoing crisis and doing the best that he or she can, given the circumstances.

Prodependence says that loving and caring for an addict is not a pathological behavior, even if that love and care occasionally veers off course into enmeshment and enabling. Rather than pathologizing loved ones of addicts, prodependence says we should applaud them for their efforts while helping them love and care for the addict in ways that are less stressful to them and more helpful to the addict and his or her recovery.

This is a refreshing approach. Any person who has ever been labeled as codependent and told that he or she needs to detach with love knows how little sense that label and that suggestion make. As human beings, we can’t walk away from a person we love any more than we can stop breathing. It’s just not natural. Do we sometimes need to take better care of ourselves while we help our addicted loved one? Almost certainly. Would setting and maintaining better boundaries with the addict be helpful to us and to the addict and his or her recovery? Without doubt. But that doesn’t mean we need to walk away and leave the addict to sink or swim without us.

Prodependence recognizes and accepts (and even celebrates) these facts. In so doing, it presents an evolved prism through which therapists and caregiving loved ones can examine, evaluate, and improve not just relationships affected by addiction, but relationships in general.

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency is recommended (maybe even required) reading for all recovering addicts, all spouses and family members of addicts, and all therapists who work with addicts and family members of addicts.

A review written by Scott Brassart , a editor and writer for In the Rooms – https://www.intherooms.com/

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How can I recover from sex and pornography addiction?

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Melissa Killeen

Give yourself time to heal

To recover from sex and pornography addiction, Dr Linda Hatch in her blog, states that one must be diligent and motivated. Recovery from sex addiction takes about 3 to 5 years.  Going along with the accepted recovery model used in alcoholism or drug addiction, many believe that sex addiction is a chronic disease requiring diligent treatment for life to prevent relapse. Hatch doesn’t think this is always the case in healing from a pornography addiction. She believes Internet porn addiction may be an exception to this 5 year, life long recovery model.

There are other clinical studies that suggest that pornography addiction is an Internet addiction.  Gary Wilson writes the majority of pornography addicts, even with severe symptoms like porn-induced erectile dysfunction, can recover in a matter of two to four months. The first phase of either sex and pornography addiction recovery is restricting computer or internet access and not using that smart phone to access your acting out partners. Yes, even sex addicts use the computer, internet and cell phones to act out, so the restriction is implemented for them as well.

Robert Weiss author of A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, and co-author with Dr. Jennifer Schneider of Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age suggest that addicted users are unable to implement lasting behavior change without the admission that they have a sex or pornography addiction and that the addiction is causing unmanageability in their lives. He suggests admitting this to yourself, to another human being, coupled with a combination of addiction-focused individual and/or group therapy and ongoing attendance at a 12-step (or some other addiction support group) will be the next steps on the road to recovery.

Get as much information as you can

In addition to turning off the computer, Weiss’s advice for addicts, is to educate themselves about what sex or pornography addiction is and how to overcome it. Learn how to be accountable, like handing the computer password over to your wife. Find a friend or sponsor in an addiction support group like SLAA, SA, SCA or SAA, developing an active and empathetic support network is a necessity for long-term sobriety and a healthier, happier life. You can ask your HR department for information on the Employee Assistance Program which can help you with therapeutic treatment. Without this knowledge and outside assistance, addicts have little chance of keeping their goal of sobriety in this addiction.

Fill your bedside table with recovery books. Authors like Weiss, and Hatch are joined by numerous others like Paldrom Collins, a former Buddhist nun and sex addiction counselor, and her husband, George Collins, M.A., a former sex addict and practicing sex addiction counselor for over 20 years. They wrote: A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy. They present a refreshing new approach for couples struggling with the issue of excessive pornography, compulsive masturbation, frequenting prostitutes or strip clubs, serial affairs, and other acting out behaviors. In his book, Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame, George Collins shares the techniques he has developed in his practice over the last 20 years that have helped hundreds successfully learn how to confront the negative energy that fuels sex and porn addiction.

Understanding that there are several approaches to recovery for sex and pornography addiction, many therapists and clinicians follow the model developed by Patrick Carnes, author and the former director of Pine Grove Behavioral Health (which treated a well-known golfer) and is currently a senior fellow at the Meadows in Arizona (which treated a well-known X-television star). In a study of recovering sex addicts reported in 2000, Dr. Patrick Carnes identified that during the first year in recovery there was no measurable improvement in areas such as coping with stress, self-image, financial situations, friendships, career status and spirituality, even though the addicts reported that they felt that their life was “definitely better.” The first year of recovery is very tough to cope with, so outside assistance is necessary. During the second and third years of recovery, including a period of sexual celibacy, there begins to be improvement in the areas having to do with functioning at work, communication at home and having a better emotional connection with others. These improvements then continue into the later years of recovery.

Carnes reported in the third year and thereafter, greater healing occurred in the addicts’ relationships with their partner and with their extended family/children. During the fourth and fifth years the addict discovered how to “do” non-sexual intimacy as well as engaging in healthy sexuality. Overall these recovery years are about how to achieve higher self-esteem and more life satisfaction.

Coping with withdrawal

Recovery from sex and pornography addiction is like kicking a drug, or booze. Sex and pornography addicts will go through a withdrawal process. Withdrawal symptoms can be acute, and last a few months. But most addicts develop healthier behaviors during this withdrawal period. This period of withdrawal is usually characterized by:

• Cravings

• Strange sexual dreams and fantasies

• Peculiar physical symptoms

• Restlessness and mood changes

Sex or porn addiction is more than having gotten hooked on a dopamine rush. For most sex and porn addicts, the addictive behavior is entwined in a whole adaptation to life based on self-taught ways of coping with inadequacy and insecurity. Without deeper change, the addict is still at risk for relapse into the old addiction or substitution of a new one.

Accept change, follow the guidelines of recovery

It has long been accepted that the root of a sex or pornography addiction is based on a set of negative core beliefs, such as “I am not good enough”, “no one could love me as I am”, “if I have to depend on someone else to meet my needs they will never get met” and “sex is my most important need”.

These beliefs lead not only to a secret sexual life in which the addict seeks to meet his or her needs, but also leads to a slew of negative consequences that we have discussed in a previous blog. But now it is time to shed the former destructive beliefs and seek recovery. Patrick Carnes outlines his work from a 1980’s study on how recovery can work for a sex or porn addict:

First Two Years

The Developing Stage

    • Admit you have a problem and want to change
    • Seek therapy with a Certified Sex Addiction Counselor (CSAT)
    • Attend a 12-step group
    • Stop acting out (either with porn or other sexually compulsive behaviors)
    • Develop knowledge about this addiction
    • Take appropriate tests for HIV/Aids and STD’s
    • If you slip, or stop going to therapists or meetings, go back

Overcoming the Crisis Stage or Decision Making Stage

    • Coming clean about your addiction to others
    • Realizing that in the face of a crisis (an arrest, a spouse’s discovery, or losing your job) you have to do something and cannot continue doing what you were doing

The Shock Stage

    • Experiencing deep loss, feelings of separation, disbelief or numbness
    • Experiencing withdrawal, also the inability to focus, disorientation, and ambivalence
    • Overcoming the feelings of hopelessness and despair
    • Anger over having a therapist or family member set their limits or handing over the addicts’ decision making power
    • Relief that the double life is finally over

The Grief Stage

    • Grieving over the loss of a job, a spouse, legal involvement and/or the separation from their family
    • Grieving over the loss of the addiction, which was used like a friend, confidant, comforter or emotional high
    • Recognition that they were abused or neglected at some time in their life
    • Grieving over the exposure of early traumas in the addict’s life, such as early sexual trauma, parental neglect or abuse
    • Grieving over the loss of the image of the person that abused them, and acceptance that that person was an abuser, not a friend, mentor, parent or family member

The Repair Stage

    • Moving from pain and loss to forgiveness, repair, restructuring and emergence into a new life
    • Changing long held belief systems
    • Instituting new healthy belief systems
    • Taking responsibility for your actions
    • Deepening new stronger bonds with others, developing empathy and intimacy
    • Making an effort to follow instructions, complete assignments, and responding to requests. Beginning to show up on time for appointments, and/or accepting they may be wrong and promptly admitting it, are hallmarks for acceptance of this stage of repair.

Growth Stage (after two years)

  • Achieve balance
  • Develop a greater sense of self, and non-sexual forms of self-satisfaction
  • Be available to friends, family, partners and business colleagues
  • Have compassion for themselves and others
  • Develop trust in all areas of your life

Carnes said that in addition to accomplishing the above goals, he cited a number of additional factors that stood out as being important parts of the recovery process and should be considered during the five years of recovery:

  • Inpatient or residential treatment experience
  • Group treatment experience, intensive outpatient and outpatient services
  • Long-term individual therapy with a certified sex addiction counselor
  • Participation in 12-step programs
  • An active and knowledgeable sponsor
  • An ongoing spiritual life
  • The support of friends
  • A period of celibacy
  • Regular exercise, medical checkups and balanced nutrition

 

In many ways, the field of sex and pornography addiction treatment lags behind the professional and general population’s awareness of other addictions like alcoholism, drug abuse or even gambling. Resources available to treat compulsive sexual behavior have increased dramatically in the last decade. Physicians and therapists who are new to this type of patient need to be educated. It is slow process for both the health professionals and the people affected with this addiction to learn about recovery from this addiction.

 

Here are some organizations that can help

  • SASH

http://www.sash.net/

  •  Annual International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP)

http://www.iitap.com/

  •  The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsion (NCSAC)

www.NCSAC.org

  •  American Foundation for Addiction Research (AFAR)

www.AddictionResearch.com

  •  Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)

(615) 331-6230;

www.SA.org

  •  Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)

www.SLAAFWS.org

  •  Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)

(314) 397-0867

www.Recovering-Couples.org

  •  Co SLAA (for spouses/partners of sex addicts)

http://coslaa.org/

  •  Sex Addicts Anonymous

https://saa-recovery.org/

  • Sexual Compulsives Anonymous

http://www.sca-recovery.org/

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 Resources used in this blog:

Patrick Carnes, PhD, (2000) Sexual Addiction and Compulsion: Recognition, Treatment & Recovery, CNS Spectrums 2000; 5(10): 63-72, accessed at: http://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/article_sexualaddictionandcompulsion_pcarnes.pdf

Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D., David L. Delmonico Ph.D., Elizabeth Griffin M.A., (2007) In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota

Robert Weiss, LCSW, (2013), A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, Elements Behavioral Health, Los Angeles, CA

Robert Weiss and co-author Dr. Jennifer Schneider, Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age (2006), Alyson Books, New York, NY

Gary Wilson, blogger at: http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-addiction-not-sex-addiction-and-why-it-matters

Paldrom Collins, and George N. Collins (2011) A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy. Adams Media, Avon, Massachusetts

George Collins MA , Andrew Adleman MA (2010) Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland California,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The consequences of pornography addiction

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Melissa Killeen

melissa-new-post

Melissa Killeen


As a recovery coach I deal with the consequences of addiction on a daily basis. Often times the consequences of a pornography addiction are covered up by the impact of substance addictions. It is important to identify these different addictions, so the recovery can begin. Easier said than done. The ravages of behavioral addictions so closely resemble the destruction caused by substance abuse that it often takes a long time to discern. Often times, a behavioral addiction comes forth when recovery is achieved from the substance abuse…and then the game of “whack-a-mole” between the substance and the behavioral addiction becomes more evident.

A Cambridge University study used brain scans to research pornography addiction in 2014. This is the first study using the new fMRI in a series of studies with pornography addicts. An earlier fMRI study with drug addicts and alcoholics had similar results. This 2014 Cambridge study found that pornography addicts fit in to an addiction model of wanting “it” more, but not liking “it” more. Many can agree that this is what they feel as well when they are under the influence.

Once any addiction sets in, the user has a new set of problems because addiction damages the part of the brain that helps you think things through to make good choices, the area of the brain that sets limits, the frontal lobe.  For more than 10 years, studies have shown that drug addictions can cause the brain’s frontal lobes to shrink. The “frontal lobe” is the part of the brain that controls the decision making to stop addictive behavior. Recent studies have found that it’s not just drugs or alcohol that cause this frontal lobe damage. The same problems show up with behavioral addictions, such as overeating, Internet addictions, and sexual compulsion.

Besides the consequence of damage to the frontal lobe, there are other very serious consequences from compulsively viewing sexually explicit materials. As follows are some of these consequences.

The consequences of prolonged pornography use

  • Sexual dysfunction: Sexual addiction, porn addiction in particular, can lead to various forms of sexual dysfunction. One major study found that 60% of the research subjects, with an average age of 25, had difficulty achieving arousal and erections with real partners, yet could achieve arousal or erections with porn. Men with high rates of pornography use expressed diminished enjoyment in the enactment of sexually intimate behaviors compared to men with lower rates of pornography use. When someone reports they view a lot of pornography, they also report that they don’t enjoy sexually intimate times with their real life partner. Women, on the other hand, reported they needed to view pornography in order to stimulate their arousal with a partner.
  • Distorted views about intimate relationships: Some young men substitute the enjoyment they receive from viewing pornography for the enjoyment they could find in developing a relationship that would lead to a partnership in marriage. A Greek researcher, Artemis Tsitsika, in 2009 found that among Greek adolescents, exposure to pornography fosters ‘‘unrealistic attitudes about sex and misleading attitudes toward relationships’’. Jill Manning, a researcher from Brigham Young University reports that pornography consumption can reduce the happiness and stability associated within existing marriages. Manning, points to a number of factors that link pornography with marital instability, such as decreased sexual satisfaction and intimacy within marriage. Thus, the man or woman who spends 90 percent of their sexual life viewing and masturbating to a constantly changing stream of porn images is, over time, likely to find a real-world partner less sexually stimulating. In addition, Manning’s research has revealed that there is a perception brought forth by the partners of porn addicts that sees pornography consumption as a form of infidelity.
  • Legal issues:Some men and women engage in illegal sexual activities to heighten the pornographic experience. Any possible sexual contact, including hiring prostitutes or being hired as a prostitute, engaging in exhibitionism or voyeurism, or looking at illegal forms of pornography has an outlet connected directly to internet pornography web sites. Oftentimes, the addiction has seduced these users of illegal services or explicit material to such a point that the consequences were over looked and diminished in pursuit of a bigger high. When these individuals are arrested, they are shocked to realize where their addiction has led them. Child pornography convictions today, can mean that a person can spend from 15 years to a life-time of being on a sex offender list, which restricts where you can live and where you can work.
  • Difficulty balancing work or school: When a porn addict is completely focused on sexual fantasies and activities, his or her performance at work or in school inevitably suffers. Pornography use increases the amount of non-relational, isolated and solitary dedication to a computer. Focusing on porn in an office with the door closed impacts the workers performance. Isolating impacts the ability to work as a team member. Withdrawing from relationships during college, the time that long term relationships are established, is self-sabotage. Many porn addicts face reprimands or dismissal as a result. They may also face consequences for acting out sexually while at work or in school while using company-issued or school-issued digital devices.
  • Negative Self Esteem: Pornography use has been shown to have a negative impact on the self-esteem of women and men. Physical insecurities related to sexual performance and body image have been reported by both young men and women in a Swedish study from 2010.  Female consumers of pornography experienced feelings of inadequacyand lower self-esteem compared to women who did not use pornography. Dawn Szymanski, from the University of Tennessee, completed a study in 2012, where women reported their male partner’s frequency of pornography use negatively impacted their relationship quality. Perceptions reported by these women were that they experienced feeling of being “less than” the performers portrayed on the porn sites, and their sexual desirability and performance was not adequately bringing their partners to satisfaction. The feelings of low self-esteem partially had an effect on the relationship between them. Finally, results revealed that relationship length was directly linked between the partner’s problematic pornography use and sexual satisfaction. There was significant dissatisfaction in the quality of the relationship the longer the relationship with the porn addict lasted.
  • Financial Issues:Pornography is more affordable than ever. Porn Internet sites are often free, and GPS based hookup apps are either free or very inexpensive. But this addiction can get very expensive the more involved an addict becomes. Have you ever wondered how pornographers that charge for their material stay in business when there’s so much porn available for free? As Wendy Seltzer, an attorney and fellow at the Yale Law School, explained, the answer is actually pretty simple: once porn users get hooked, they’ll want more and more. “Seeing [free porn] just whets their appetite for more,” Seltzer said. “Once they get through what’s available for free, they’ll move into the paid services.” In a 2012 survey of 1,500 guys, 56% said their tastes in porn had become “increasingly extreme or deviant.” Because porn users’ brains quickly become accustomed to the porn they’ve already seen, in other words: porn addiction escalates. In-person meetings resulting from Internet connections can be costly, considering the money spent on travel, hotel rooms, meals, and gifts. For those who only act out online, paying for membership fees and by-the-minute charges for live video feeds can add up quickly. It is not unusual for sex addicts, in a moment of determination to end the addiction, to cancel their Internet memberships and delete all of their downloaded porn and sexual contacts. Then, within a few days, they will relapse and spend more money to sign back on.
  • Impact on partners of pornography addicts: Partners of porn addicts feel deep embarrassment or hurt because of their partner’s conduct. Partners fear the addict will leave them if they confront the addict’s behavior. Many partners express a sense of responsibility and/or feelings of betrayal or abandonment over their partner’s behavior. So much so they will lie and cover up the actions of the addict, or engage in sex with their addict partner as a means of maintaining peace. Often times, they engage in sexual behavior that they find uncomfortable, unwanted or physically dangerous. Partners will attempt to control the porn addict’s behavior by throwing out a pornography collection or verbally harassing them. Partners of porn addicts think they are unattractive, they question their emotions or their sanity. Partners engage in thoughts of suicide or use drugs or alcohol to cover up their feelings of despair. It is easiest to blame others – friends, colleague, parents, job, society, or religion – for their partner’s addictive behavior. A discussion on how this addiction effects the children of a porn addict is, perhaps, another blog altogether. Yet consistently, pornography addicts attribute the first introduction of pornography through discovering a porn collection or a pornographic web site maintained by a parent, family member or an adult care giver.
  • Porn can lead to violence: Research has also found that watching degrading pornography increases an addicts’ likelihood of objectifying, using dominating and harassing behavior toward women. This also leaves the addict feeling less compassion for victims of sexually violent crimes (there was an Italian rape conviction in 1998 that was overturned because the victim wore tight jeans). Porn addicts will express attitudes supporting violence towards women, which is especially scary since those who support sexual violence are more likely to commit some kind of violence in real life. Obviously not everyone who looks at porn is going to turn into a rapist; but the reality is that studies have shown that even casual pornography use has the power to start changing ideas and attitudes, and changes to behavior often aren’t far behind.

The really scary part is the more porn a person looks at, the more severe the damage to their brain becomes and the more difficult it is to break free. But there’s good news too: neuroplasticity works both ways. That means that the damage to the brain can be undone when someone gets away from unhealthy behaviors.

In next week’s blog, I will explore what life is like when you are free from a pornography addiction.

References used in this blog:

Donald Hilton, Jr, MD.  Pornography addiction – a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity Socioaffective Neuroscience and psychology Journal.  Volume 3 (2013) Accessed at: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3960020/

Artemis Tsitsika, Elena Critselis, Amalia Louizou1, Mari Janikian, Aliki Freskou, Evgenia Marangou, Georgios Kormas, and Dimitrios A. Kafetzis (2011) Determinants of Internet Addiction among Adolescents: A Case-Control Study.  The Scientific World Journal (2011) 11, 866–874. TSW Child Health & Human DevelopmentISSN 1537-744X; DOI 10.1100/tsw.2011.85

Jill Manning (2006). The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention Volume 13, Issue 2-3, 2006 DOI: 10.1080/10720160600870711 Accessed at: http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720160600870711#.VLrSJ183OP9

Stewart, D. N.,* & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young adult women’s reports of their male romantic partner’s pornography use as a correlate of their psychological distress, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction. Sex Roles, 67, 257-271. doi: 10.1007/s11199-012-0164-0 Accessed at: http://psychology.utk.edu/szymanski.php and at: http://fightthenewdrug.org

Robert Weiss, (2014) recognizing the Consequences of Sexual Addiction, PyschCentral.com Accessed at: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/10/recognizing-the-consequences-of-sexual-addiction/

Lofgren-Mårtenson L, Månsson SA (2010) Lust, love, and life: a qualitative study of Swedish adolescents’ perceptions and experiences with pornography. Journal of Sex Research. 2010 Nov; 47(6):568-79. doi: 10.1080/ Accessed at: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Lofgren-M%C3%A5rtenson%20L%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=true&cauthor_uid=19731132

And the web sites:

http://yourbrainonporn.com

http://www.addictionresearch.com/resources-and-research/references/pornography/

http://fightthenewdrug.org

        http://en.wikipedia.org

 

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