Tag Archives: recovery

Executive Coaching and the Recovering Executive “What to do with a client that may have addiction issues”

Posted on October 15, 2011 by Michael

This is a reprint in six parts of a webinar presented at the Global Coaching Conference on Oct 12.
I am Melissa Killeen, I have been a Recovery Coach for about 5 years. In this specialized field of recovery coaching, I work mostly with executives, entrepreneurs and family business owners that are recovering from addiction. I have two degrees in Organizational Dynamics and Executive Coaching from the University of Pennsylvania, in Philadelphia, PA. I have used my years of training there to develop my book on recovery coaching, which will be published early in 2012.

This seminar will focus on coaching the executive that may have unrecognized addiction issues. Have you ever coached a distracted, uncontainable or procrastinating client? Why aren’t the things that usually work for a client not working for this specific client? Sometimes a client’s behavior is blamed on a boss, or perhaps client never completes their homework assignments because of family issues or perhaps the executive has a bottle in their bottom drawer. As a recovery coach, I hear these ‘reasons’ and a red flag goes up. Maybe the possibility that this client is an addict is something to consider.

What would be the clues? What kinds of things, either ways of behaviors, body language, talking traits, or other signs are evident?

In this presentation I will attempt to expand on these questions. I will cover the following:

1. Identify IF the addict exists
2. Help the addict/executive/coaching client build a plan for recovery
3. If the above has been accomplished, look around the coaching client at his/her surroundings. Is there collateral damage from the addiction?
4. Acknowledging change, conflict and collateral damage
5. Effectively dealing with change, conflict and collateral damage

Prior to starting, let me explain some of my techniques and terminology. When I use the term “addict” I am discussing the alcoholic, the drug addict, the sex addict, the gambler, the over eater, the compulsive spender, anyone that has a compulsive need to adjust their perceptions of reality with a mind altering behavior, or substance. It is easier and simpler to use the word ‘addict’ to describe all of these types of people. Also, I want to further describe the recovering individual. A person in recovery could have one week or twenty years, however, for those individuals in recovery, it is an accepted fact that the addict has just one day, today. I would prefer to work with a client that has some good clean time in recovery, but alas, that is not always possible. So, I will use mouth swab alcohol tests, I will cut hair for analysis and request to have the client take HIV and STD tests and I will request to see the test results. I search hotel rooms, offices and homes, popping up suspended ceilings, emptying dresser drawers, sticking my fingers into jars of hand cream, and emptying aspirin bottles looking for contraband. Why do I do this? Because it works, I have swabbed people that swear they haven’t taken a drink in 10 days, hair tests come back for drugs the person has never used, I have found pot, pills, coke, booze, pornography, cash, just about anything. I will do everything to ensure my client is doing their best at honesty as well as recovery. I know this may seem odd, but in my ‘niche’ of coaching, we see it as saving a life, as much as getting a good return on investment. In order to do this, it takes asking some very difficult questions

I. Identify IF the addict exists
The hardest thing that I have to deal with in recovery coaching is denial in the addict. Usually the denial has been perfected over many years. However, when they finally recognize they are an addict, dealing with the denial was nothing compared to helping them pick up the pieces and rebuild their life. Motivational Interviewing techniques help me to unlock the years of denial, and let the client pick up the pieces he/she chooses to pick up, in order to rebuild their lives.

To begin with the first meeting, as in all executive coaching contracts, an assessment is the first order of business. I use LIFO , Life Orientations Survey, but other recovery coaches may use MBTI, Enneagrams or Disc, whatever works for you. To identify characteristics of an addict, I go one step further. In the interviewing process, either before or after the behavioral or personality assessment, I ask the addict to tell me their story. Everything, from age 1 to the present time, including the first time they used or were abused. I request the story be written before our next meeting, I ask the client to read it to me as well as to forward me a written copy for my files. This story telling process was suggested by Carl Jung to Bill Wilson in 1932, when Bill W was first beginning AA. This concept has been around and working for quite a few years. Telling of one’s story builds trust. As the client reads his/her story I take notes. My familiarity with a multitude of addictions, I compile a series of questions to ask after I hear their story.

Some of my clients come directly from an extended stay at a treatment center, so the assessment for drugs/alcohol/compulsive behaviors and adverse childhood experiences has been made and I am usually privy (with client authorization) to the results. However, if I have been hired by an Employee Assistance Program, or been contracted directly by the client, after hearing their story, I will start with a series of questions. Depending on their answers, I branch out in several directions, drawing from the following assessments:
1. 12-questions from AA, 40 questions SLAA, and/or 20 questions from NA
2. Cognitive distortions survey
3. Annis, Schober and Kelly Interview
4. ACE- Adverse Childhood Experiences
During these questions, I decide whether I will give the entire assessment to the individual or just ask a few clarifying questions from the assessments.

In all assessments, I find there is a bit of overlap between addictions, life experiences and accompanied disorders, this is commonly called co-occurring disorders. One of the most frequent co-occurring disorders is ADD/ADHD. Coaching adults with ADD/ADHD has come into the forefront of life coaching recently. Let me take a moment here to define that I am NOT a coach for adults with ADD/ADHD. If ADD/ADHD presents itself as the most important problem for a client, not addiction, I suggest the individual seek help from a specialist. Often adults with ADD/ADHD will mask, or self medicate with drugs, alcohol or other compulsive behaviors to alleviate the pain of dealing with ADD/ADHD.
So, you might ask, how do I differentiate between addiction and ADD/ADHD?
I ask:
“Do you mask, or self medicate with drugs, alcohol or other compulsive behaviors to alleviate the pain of dealing with:
1. Physical and mental health problems
2. Work and financial difficulties.
3. Emotional difficulties
4. Disorganization and forgetfulness
The client’s answer to these straight forward questions will lead me further to my conclusions about the existence of any addiction.

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Why Everyone In Recovery Should Be Trauma Informed – For Women And Children’s Sake: Part 3

Posted on September 14, 2011 by Michael

Guest Post By: Dan Griffin of Griffin Recovery Enterprises | dan@dangriffin.com | http://www.dangriffin.com | 612-701-5842 “Helping Men Recover From Addiction and Experience the Limitless Possibilities of Recovery.
My passion in looking at men and trauma comes primarily from my personal experience as a young boy, first growing up in a violent alcoholic home and then having to deal with the impact of that trauma long into my thirties — and long into my sobriety. I still have vivid memories sitting on the top stair outside of my parents’ bedroom, hearing my mother screaming and crying as I was trying to get up the nerve to open the door or bang on it, once they/he had finally gotten smart enough to lock it. Or crying myself to sleep through the only slightly muffled sound of my parents yelling, cursing, and belittling each other — only to pretend like nothing had happened the next day. Or my Dad grabbing me by my leg as I was trying to get away from him, pulling me down the stairs and then proceeding to hit me. I could go on.
Believe it or not, I had a lot of confusion as to whether what I had grown up in was actually violent. It was only until I got into relationships with people who did know the difference that I began to see that how I grew up was far from normal — even though, sadly, far too many children experience the same thing and even worse. With that in mind, it would be completely irresponsible of me not to talk about the effect that men’s trauma has on women and children. While compassion for men is essential, we have to be careful that compassion does not become enabling or minimizing of the horrific violence that women and children are enduring on a daily basis because of men acting out due to unaddressed trauma.
Here are some sobering statistics that are important to always keep in mind when we are talking about men and trauma:
* Approximately 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Because many are victimized more than once, approximately 4.8 million intimate-partner rapes and physical assaults against women are committed annually (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2000).
* Women aged sixteen to twenty-four experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence (19.6 victimizations per 1,000 women) (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2003; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009).
* One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Eighty-five percent of domestic violence victims are women. Most cases are never reported to the police. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009)
* In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations. [Most cases are never reported to the police.] (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010)
* About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse. (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010) [My uneducated guess is that this number is actually much higher when we think about how much violence and abuse still lives in the shadows.]
The first thing that needed to happen in order for me to better see and understand my behavior was that I had to realize that violence was so much more than what I thought it was. I was often so focused on my internal experience that I did not look at my external behavior. “How can I be scaring anyone when I feel so afraid?” I would say, angrily yelling, after having been confronted. Or maybe I would laugh that patronizing laugh that we as men can have that essentially says: “Stop being such a f’in baby” (echoed from the mouths of so many who we had followed into manhood). Like my alcoholism, so long as I maintained a fixed definition of violence then it meant that I was not violent. But, in fairness, I was not shown what love and peace really looked like — or better, felt like. I did not understand what it really meant to feel safe. I did not realize that punching a wall was an act of violence — I thought it was avoiding violence!
Here are some other examples of violence, taken from page 240 of my book, A Man’s Way through the Twelve Steps:
* Raising your voice at your partner in an effort to intimidate or silence.
* Using your physical body to intimidate in any way by size and strength alone. Most men are intimidating to women and children, and few men understand this.
* Slamming doors.
* Threatening harm to yourself or to your partner.
* Punching or kicking a wall or door with someone else in the room.
* Taking car keys or doing anything else to prevent your partner from leaving your presence or your home, or doing any other act that prevents your partner from seeking safety.
* Chasing your partner as he or she tries to leave or escape from you and your threatening behavior.
In our trauma-informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover, we make one thing clear throughout — even strongly encouraging clinicians to put this message up in their offices and their group rooms: Whatever happened to you as a child — no matter what you did — was not your fault; and, whatever you do or have done as an adult that has harmed another — no matter what someone else has done — it is your responsibility and it needs to stop.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was continue the cycle of abuse. I hate violence, have a pure heart, and never wanted to see anyone in pain. Yet, I found the same words coming out of my mouth with the same anger and violence from which I used to cower. I behaved in ways towards others that were exactly the same kind of behavior that still had me afraid of being in the dark as a goddamn grown man! While it is hard to write these words, I feel as though I must, because until we men begin to truly own our behavior and call it what it really is nothing is going to change. We must shine an honest and compassionate light on this topic. Nobody wants to be an addict; to become that which so many of us swore we would never be. And, maybe that is the same fear that gets in the way for so many of us men in acknowledging the impact of abuse on our lives: the fear of being our fathers (or whoever it was that abused us.) Of course, with all the bullshit we have about being a man in our society, a man acknowledging the pain of abuse sometimes feels comparable to admitting he is not a man at all. Hell, there is still a part of me that feels like a [fill in the epithet] for writing these words. There is no question that at the heart of the vast majority of abuse is a stagnant well of toxic shame corroding the spirits of some very good men.
I could truly write another book on this topic alone but I am only able to hit the tip of the iceberg here. The reality is that it is not unreasonable to assume that most men, especially those of us in recovery from any addiction, have had some experience of trauma. I believe this should be an expectation, not considered an exception as it often is now. But nothing guarantees that sobriety will stop a man’s violence or heal the trauma destroying so many people’s lives. Helping a man to understand that his experience was indeed traumatic is not easy. The way we still raise boys to be men overlaps far too much with violence and abuse, which leads many of us to confuse that kind of mentality and behavior with Love. With that in mind, we should also assume that most men in recovery do not have a full understanding of violence, and so it is incumbent upon those of us who have come to a different understanding to share it, and to even take an unwavering stand against violence against women and children — and men! One of the greatest ways for me to heal has been the commitment to peace and safety I have made to my wife and my daughter — and even our little Shih Tzu, Haley. The more I am able to be the man I always hoped to be, the more I can see that is who I have always been.

 

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A Dozen Addiction Zappers and Depression Busters

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Michael

By Therese J. Borchard

Lest the readers think that I’m contracted by the Dark Side (sorry, watching too much “Star Wars” lately) to encourage addictive behavior and rationalize all weakness, here are a dozen addiction zappers and depression busters I use in deficient moments (23 hours of any given 24-hour day):

1. Get Some Buddies

It works for Girl Scouts and for addicts of all kinds. I remember having to wake up my buddy to go pee in the middle of the night at Girl Scout camp (actually I was a Brownie–I never graduated to the Girl Scouts). That was right before she rolled off her cot, out of the tent and down the hill, almost into the creek. Had the roller’s buddy not been such a deep sleeper–dreaming of beatific visions–the Girl Scout wouldn’t have woken up in the woods.

The same method works for addicts–to help each other not roll out of the tent and into the stream, and to keep each other safe during midnight bathroom runs. My buddies are the six numbers programmed into my cell phone, the voices that remind me sometimes as many as five times a day: “It will get better.”

2. Read Away the Craving

Books can be buddies too! And when you are afraid of imposing like I am so often, they serve as wonderful reminders to stay on course. When I’m in a weak spot, and my addiction has the power–dangling me upside down like Rosie O’Donnell in her inversion therapy swing–I place a book next to my addiction object: the Big Book goes next to the liquor cabinet (Eric’s very modest stash); some 12-step pamphlet gets clipped to the freezer (where I store the frozen Kit Kats, Twix, and dark chocolate Hershey bars); William Styron’s “Darkness Visible” or Kay Redfield Jamison’s “An Unquiet Mind” rest on my bedside table; and I’ll get out Melody Beattie before e-mailing an apology to someone who just screwed me over. And there are my spiritual staples: books by Henri Nouwen, Thomas Merton, Anne Lamott, and Kathleen Norris.

3. Be Accountable to Someone

In the professional world, what is the strongest motivator for peak performance? The annual review (or notification of the pink slip). Especially if you’re a stage-four people pleaser like me. You want nothing more than to impress the guy or gal who signs your checks. Twelve-step groups use this method–called accountability–to keep people sober and on the recovery wagon. Everyone has a sponsor, a mentor to teach them the program, to guide them toward physical, mental, and spiritual health.

In my early days of sobriety, I didn’t drink because I was scared to tell my sponsor that I had relapsed (she was kind of intimidating, which is why I chose her). Today several people serve as my “sponsor,” keeping me accountable for my actions: Mike (my writing mentor), my therapist, my doctor, Fr. Dave, Deacon Moore, Eric, and my mom. Having these folks around to divulge my misdeeds to is like confession–which I’ve never enjoyed–it keeps the list of sins from getting too long.

4. Predict Your Weak Spots

When I quit smoking, it was helpful to identify the danger zones–those times I most enjoying firing up the lung rockets: in the morning with my java, in the afternoon with my java, in the car (if you’ve been my passenger you know why), and in the evening with my java and a Twix bar.

I jotted these times down in my “dysfunction journal” with suggestions of activities to replace the smokes: In the morning I began eating eggs and grapefruit, which don’t blend well with cigs. I bought a tape to listen to in the car (which distracts me and gets me lost in D.C. and Baltimore). An afternoon walk replaced the 3:00 smoke break. And I tried to read at night, which didn’t happen (eating chocolate is more soothing after tucking in a three-year-old girl who tells you after bedtime prayers that she knows how to kiss like Princess Leia of “Star Wars,” and she likes it a lot).

Especially difficult were the times Eric and I went out socially–when my cigarette was a substitute for drinking. I think I devoured sweets on those evenings–which wasn’t optimal, but, again, chocolate is a less-threatening addiction to my health than nicotine, so it wasn’t the worst thing to do.

5. Distract Yourself

Any addict would benefit from a long list of “distractions,” any activity than can take her mind off of a cig, a glass of merlot, or a suicidal plot (during severe depression). Some good ones: crossword puzzles, novels, Sudoku, e-mails, reading Beyond Blue (a must!); walking the dog (pets are wonderful “buddies” and can improve mental health), card games, movies, “American Idol” (as long as you don’t make fun of the contestants…bad for your depression, as it attracts bad karma); sports, de-cluttering the house (cleaning out a drawer, a file, or the garage…or just stuffing it with more stuff); crafts (I failed occupational therapy, but it works for many a depressive) like sewing, scrap-booking (it pains me to write that word), framing pictures; gardening (even pulling weeds, which you can visualize as the marketing director that you hate working with); exercise (of course), nature (just sitting by the water), and music (even Yanni works, but I’d go classical).

6. Sweat

Working out is technically an addiction for me (according to some lame article I read), and I guess I do have to be careful with it since I have a history of an eating disorder (who doesn’t?). But there is no addiction zapper or depression buster as effective for me than exercise. An aerobic workout not only provides an antidepressant effect, but you look pretty stupid lighting up after a run (trust me, I used to do it all the time and the stares weren’t friendly) or pounding a few beers before the gym. I don’t know if it’s the endorphins or what, but I just think much better and feel better with sweat dripping down my face.

7. Start a Project

Here’s a valuable tip I learned in the psych ward–the fastest way to get out of your head is to put it in a new project–compiling a family album, knitting a blanket, coaching Little League, heading a civic association, planning an Earth Day festival, auditioning for the local theatre, taking a course at the community college.

“Try something new!” the nurses advised us as we chewed our rubber turkey. “Get out of your comfort zone.”

I knew that Eric would love it if I became more domesticated–actually notice the dying plants and do something like watering them or pulling off the dead leaves. So, partly to please him, I went to Michael’s (the arts and crafts store) and bought 20 different kinds of candles to place around the house, five picture boxes for all the loose photos I have bagged underneath the piano, and two dozen frames. Two years later, all of it is still there, bagged and stored in the garage.

However, I also signed up for a tennis class, because I’m thinking ahead and when the kids go off to college, Eric and I will need another pastime in addition to reading about our kids on Facebook. I met a wonderful friend with whom I’m training for a triathlon (which distracts and burns calories simultaneously), and I enrolled in a writing class, which gave me enough confidence to launch Beyond Blue. (If I weren’t training for a triathlon and writing Beyond Blue, I might be smoking (and doing a few other less-than-healthy activities) as I try to organize our pictures.

8. Keep a Record

One definition of suffering is doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting different results. It’s so easy to see this pattern in others: “Katherine, for God’s sake, Barbie doesn’t fit down in the drain (it’s not a water slide)” or the alcoholic who swears she will be able to control her drinking once she finds the right job. But I can be so blind to my own attempts at disguising self-destructive behavior in a web of lies and rationalizations. That’s why, when I’m in enough pain, I write everything down–so I can read for myself exactly how I felt after I had lunch with the person who likes to beat me up as a hobby, or after eight weeks of a Marlboro binge, or after two weeks on a Hershey-Starbucks diet. Maybe it’s the journalist in me, but the case for breaking a certain addiction, or stopping a behavior contributing to depression, is much stronger once you can read the evidence provided from the past.

9. Be the Expert

The quickest way you learn material is by being forced to teach it. That lesson is fresh on my brain this morning after an hour of tutoring a student on a paper about the history of the Supreme Court. Sometimes that’s how I feel about Beyond Blue–in cranking out spiritual reflections and mental health secrets, I have to pretend to know something about sanity (even if I feel like one crazy and warped chick). I adamantly believe that you have to fake it ’til you make it. And I always feel less depressed after I have helped someone who is struggling with sadness. It’s the twelfth step of the twelve-step program, and a cornerstone of recovery. Give and you shall receive. The best thing I can do for my brain is to find a person in greater pain than myself and to offer her my hand. If she takes it, I’m inspired to stand strong, so I can pull her out of her funk. And in that process, I am often pulled out of mine.

10. Grab Your Security Item

Everyone needs a “blankie”. Okay, not everyone. Mentally ill addicts like myself need a “blankie” (and a pacifier to suck on when trying to quit smoking), a security object to hold when they get scared or turned around. Mine used to be my sobriety chip. Today it’s a medal of St. Therese that I carry in my purse or in my pocket. I’m a bit of a scrupulous, superstitious Catholic (the religious OCD profile), but my medal (and St. Therese herself) give me such consolation, so she’s staying in my pocket or purse. She reminds me that the most important things are sometimes invisible to the eye: like faith, hope, and love. When I doubt all goodness in the world–and accuse God of a bad creation job–I simply close my eyes and squeeze the medal.

11. Get On Your Knees (Of Course)

This would be the addiction-virgin’s first point, not the eleventh, and it would be followed by instructions on how to pray the rosary or say the Stations of the Cross. But I think that the true addict and depressive need only utter a variation of these two simple prayers: “Help!” and “Take the bloody thing from me, now!”

12. Do Nothing

Which means you’re on the third level of recovery that I talked about above–not a bad place to be.

Therese J. Borchard is the editor (with Michael Leach) of the best-selling “I Like Being Catholic,” “I Like Being Married,” and “I Love Being a Mom.” After her Prozac pooped out, she didn’t like much of anything, so she compiled “The Imperfect Mom: Candid Confessions of Mothers Living in the Real World.” She lives with her husband, Eric, and their two “spirited” preschoolers in Annapolis, Maryland, where she runs, meditates, and sleeps eight hours a night to stay sane.

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