“The most common toxic relationship is between the codependent love addict and the narcissist love addict. Opposites attract and love addicts are vulnerable to charming people.” -Author, therapist and founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, Susan Peabody.
Narcissism is a personality disorder. It stems from childhood abuse. When these abused children are young, they decide that the world, and the people in it, are bad and they are the only ones that are good. These thoughts result in a distorted view of themselves. They are the ones that are perfect, and they should be catered to. They lack compassion for others because everyone else is ‘less than or wrong. In general, narcissists are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship because they have to be in control at all times.
But really, a narcissist has to be in control because they experienced the trauma of not being in control, being abused, abandoned, or made to feel ‘less than’ at a young age. In order to feel they are not being abandoned, abused, thwarted, or hurt they have chosen to put on false bravado, to dominate, and/or exhibit righteousness to protect their damaged “inner child” from being seen.
These narcissistic behaviors hide the fact there is a hurt child and in its place is this thoroughly in control adult-child, which is what the young child assumes their parent wants and will love. This becomes a belief of “You will love me because I am in control.” This behavior finds a home in any gender; male or female, non-binary, trans, or any sexual preference; heterosexual, gay, bisexual, and in any type of relationship; collegial, familiar, or intimate.
If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a narcissist’s need for control and self-centeredness. If you make an error, they will be critical and unsympathetic. A narcissist will never forget a past mistake. They hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.
Narcissists are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to impress people is amazing. They appear confident, exciting and are a “match made in heaven”. Love addicts fall for narcissists and bond with them. Narcissists are so good at their craft, that when their true colors emerge, they manipulate their codependent love addict partner to ensure they will not abandon them.
A codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist
It is as if the narcissist and codependent love addict are fighting for the same thing. The codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist. Early abandonment of a child places that kid into a very harsh environment, forcing them to figure out a way to survive. They hate the fact they were abandoned but believe that they can endure, and if they work hard enough, to prove their worth, their parent (or love interest) will not abandon them, thus ensuring abandonment will never happen to them again. This becomes a belief of” You will love me because I will do for you before I do for myself.”A codependent love addict adult emerges from this traumatic early childhood experience.
Narcissists and codependent love addicts are trauma survivors
Both narcissists and codependent love addicts are survivors. A narcissist will overwork in order to get what they need to survive. A codependent will scrape and do without in order for their offspring and family to survive. Both of these behavioral types excel in sales, in service positions, or dealing with the public. If they need more money than a 9-5 career can provide, they overwork. We will find them at a grocery store stocking shelves at midnight or selling craft goods on Etsy. The narcissist will make demands to the codependent to do ‘more for me’ or ‘love me more.’
The codependent love addicts are constantly fulfilling their role as the primary enabler for their narcissists. A consummate “make doer”, the codependent is unable to speak up for themselves, selling themselves short in order to avoid the pain of conflict with their loved one. Both are strong and resilient, yet mute to the need for resolution of the inner turmoil surrounding their early, adverse childhood traumas.
You might want to consider attending a 12 step mutual support group such as:
To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.
For training and to find a professional with counseling experience in trauma, and love addiction consider the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) which is a resource for therapists specializing in the areas of sex addiction recovery and trauma.
Other good books and resources are:
We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes: Hope, Inspiration, and Healing for Men Living with Addicted People by Ken P, Bob T
Codependents No More- Codependents’ Guide: Heal Yourself After a Toxic Relationship, Overcome Jealousy, Possessiveness, Anxiety, and Boost your Self-Esteem
Codependent Mother: Codependency Cycle Recovery for a Daughter. No more Toxic Emotional Abuse in Family Relationships. A Guide to Cure Afflictions and Healing your Self-Esteem by Dana Jackson
The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation by Melody Beattie
What is a love avoidant?
Listen to Melissa's 