Tag Archives: MKRecoverycoaching

The Elephant or the Mouse in the Room, guest post by Cinnie Noble

Posted on November 7, 2011 by Michael

This is a guest post by Cinnie Noble, president of CINERGY™ Coaching is a division of Noble Solutions Inc. based in Toronto, Ontario, providing conflict management coaching services and training worldwide. You can contact Cinne at: cinnie@cinergycoaching.com

The proverbial elephant that appears in the room when we are in conflict isn’t always as big as an elephant. It may be more like a mouse. However, a mouse is no less problematic when it scurries around and inserts itself in small places, like the crevices of our hearts and brains.
Elephants and mice represent the unspoken hurts or words. They are what is going on between disputing people that isn’t being said. They are the lingering doubts and the niggling feelings. They are the missing pieces of the puzzle. They are present without being identified.
At times, it may appear that we resolve matters without ever acknowledging elephants and mice that hover around. Without bringing them into the room though, conflict conversations are destined to have blinders on so that we don’t actually acknowledge their presence. Inevitably though, it seems, the mouse or elephant will reappear in the next conflict, with this person or another.
When we are in conflict, we are responsible for letting the elephant or the mouse in and identifying what they are telling us. The quest for conflict mastery acknowledges this point and you may find it helpful to consider how to acknowledge the elephant or mouse in your conflict conversations, with these types of self-reflective questions:
• Think of the last dispute you were engaged in, when an elephant or mouse was there that wasn’t identified. What was it?
• What kept you from acknowledging its presence, do you think?
• What do you suppose kept the other person(s) from identifying it?
• Which image – a mouse or an elephant – most resonates for you in that dispute and why?
• How would bringing the elephant or mouse into the conversation have changed things?
• How would that change in the conversation have benefited you?
• What part would have been detrimental for you and how?
• How may the other person have benefited if the elephant or mouse were identified?
• What part of that change would hurt the other person and how?
• Generally, under what circumstances may it be best to identify and not identify the elephant or mouse present in the room?

CINERGY™ Coaching is a division of Noble Solutions Inc. based in Toronto, Ontario, providing conflict management coaching services and training worldwide.
Phone: 416-686-4247
Toll free (Canada & US): 1-866-335-6466
Fax: 416-686-9178
Email: cinnie@cinergycoaching.com
Twitter: @CINERGYCoaching
Please add any other comments about this topic. Or, what other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) add to this aspect of conflict mastery that may be helpful?

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“What to do with a client that may have addiction issues” – Part – 6 Conflict Resolution

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Michael

Executive Coaching and the Recovering Executive
“What to do with a client that may have addiction issues” –
Part – 6
Conflict Resolution
In his book, The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution Dudley Weeks, Ph.D., has summarized Conflict Resolution in a way every coach can use . Often there is a long history of running from or creating conflict by the addict. I work with the coaching client on conflict resolution by introducing some simple outlines and directions. Without going into depth on Dudley’s entire book, in this slide I list the eight steps as I describe the typical meeting gone wrong:

The client/boss is dealing with the sales group dropping the ball on developing a new marketing campaign for a proposed new product within the time frame required by upper management. The client/boss calls a meeting for a specific time, which half of the group cannot attend. Because of the upper management pressure to make the meeting for the suggested time, many people including the client/boss could not adequately prepare for their presentations. The meeting could not be held in a conference room, so the client/boss has to have it in their office, where there are not enough seats, and the ‘territory’ has an impact on many attendees.

When the client/boss opens the meeting, the perceptions and goals for the meeting, are the groups needs to discuss what went wrong, the possibility of the group to successfully resolve the problem and the common goals of groups the to ensure this does not happen again, are not discussed as the client/boss doesn’t want to deal with the conflict that may come up. The client/boss fears the group will blame him for the failure, the meeting will run over the allotted time frame and therefore feels the need to control the conversations as the only way he knows to hold a conflict-free meeting. Placing little or no fore thought on creating a meeting in which the goals of the meeting can be embraced by all, the client/boss covers his tracks by ensuring that there will be no discussion on negative past conflicts, and chooses not to deal positively with conflict in the present or the future.

The result of the meeting is the goals that are the most important, are not discussed or resolved. The only goals discussed are that of the client/boss, only. The decisions that are made are what the client/boss wants to have happen and the attendees feel they have had no role in the decision making process. The attendees feel that the client/boss ‘shoves’ the problems resulting from the meeting onto their pile of ‘to do’s’ to accomplish. The attendees do not embrace the results, do not act effectively on completing their assignments and more conflict is produced.

How many of you have seen this scenario over and over again? Dr Week’s book examines using conflict to ensure conflict resolution. He clearly states to solve a problem (conflict) you have to embrace the problem (conflict). Many executives run from conflict or do not know how to adequately handle it, and being an addict, Just exacerbates the problem.

Fleeing from conflict, creating chaos and falling into old defensive routines are responses our coaching clients execute without thinking. When the coach can produce black and white, defined statistics and backed up by research found to change behavior, the client will benefit. The repeated training in using these tools is very important. It is my assignment to my client that before any meetings they follow the steps outlined in Dr Week’s book.

I mentioned briefly about Defensive Routines, avoiding conflict is a defensive routine. Procrastinating on completing the work that is assigned to you, because you don’t agree with the assignment is a defensive routine; ignoring or undermining time lines is a defensive routine. Going forward with the coaching client, defensive routines should be identified and discussed by giving the client the knowledge they need in order to not relapse into their old behaviors. Also, this information is important so the coaching client will not accept this type of behavior from others. Chris Argyris, a researcher from Harvard University has several books and journal articles on Defensive Routines, which anyone can review on Google.

Overall, what I have just described are the first few weeks of working with an executive client in recovery. I hope that you can recognize the similarities that are shared by an executive coach and in kind the characteristics that are shared by an addiction counselor. Recovery Coaching is a blend of both, and some times it is not. Recovery Coaching is a very interesting profession, a niche in the coaching realm that is just being developed.

I hope this blog can help the executive coach the tools any coach can use to break up the road blocks that a client might throw up in front of them?

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Why Everyone in Recovery Must Be Trauma-Informed – For Men’s Sake Part 2

Posted on September 8, 2011 by Michael

Guest Post By: Dan Griffin of Griffin Recovery Enterprises | dan@dangriffin.com | 612-701-5842 | http://www.dangriffin.com  | “Helping Men Recover From Addiction and Experience the Limitless Possibilities of Recovery”

I was recently invited to speak at an event in the same small Virginia town where I started my recovery journey and had the chance to be with some of the people with whom I first got sober 17 years ago. There were the guys I called the Fantastic Four: my first sponsor, my first best friend in sobriety, the man who taught me how to say “Hi” to other people, and the man who had what I wanted. And there were the incredible women—especially Mama T and all the adopted grandmas.

There were new stores, new restaurants, and new people in the recovery community. Still, it was surreal for me to be back there, because in many ways nothing had changed, and I felt like no time had passed since I’d walked down the streets, scared shitless of the world and of taking the first steps of this amazing journey, building the foundation for becoming the man I am today.

Much has happened in those years. We have all grown in different ways. One of the guys—who had 10 years of sobriety when I was starting my first year—was someone I really admired. He was not much older than I was, and he had been sober since he was seventeen (I was 22 and he was 27.) He rode a Harley and was covered in tattoos. He looked confident, cool, and he loved recovery.

As we stopped on the sidewalk getting ready to cross the road, Charlie quietly said, “You know, I’m really glad you said something about that abuse stuff and how it has affected your relationships.” Charlie is one of those guys who wants everything recovery has to offer him and is just as strong after 27 years of sobriety as he has ever been. And he is incredibly humble—because he is constantly open to the lessons that life has to teach him.

Charlie then told me what the last several years had brought up for him in his recovery: past sexual abuse. This was the kind of sexual abuse that boys have been raised to think is not only NOT abuse but something to strive for, fantasize about: a female teacher being sexual with him. Never mind the fact that he was in the fifth grade. It was still sexual abuse. Now his second marriage was falling apart as he realized he had fallen in love with a woman who was drowning in her own horrific trauma history—and she was taking him down with her.

Without going into detail, Charlie said something extremely powerful about the effect of trauma: “I knew about it. I had talked about in previous fifth steps. I was meeting with a counselor just a year ago when the marriage was going to hell, and as I started talking about it I just erupted into tears and was sobbing the whole time. Then I would call other guys and talk to them about it and do the same thing.” Charlie’s body and spirit knew the impact of pre – adolescent sexual abuse, even if his mind did not. In his mind, those experiences were bragging rights. In his soul, they were killing him. “Somebody has to talk about it. All of these men are dealing with something like that, and nobody is talking about it. I have been in recovery for 27 years. Twenty-seven fine years, and I never heard guys talking about sexual abuse or early childhood trauma.” That was my experience, as well. And many men who have done trauma work have probably had very similar experiences: despite the incredible prevalence of abuse in men’s lives, very few people talk about it, and it’s difficult to find an addiction curriculum that addresses recovery with these issues in mind. We estimate that at least 75% of men and women coming into treatment for alcohol and other drug addiction have experienced at least one form of abuse. For men, we know that sexual abuse is under reported, particularly amongst boys and adolescents. We know the line between discipline and physical abuse in childhood is still undefined and unclear to many men. It is also my firm belief that in our society the process of becoming a man is inherently traumatic. And, because sexual confusion, violence and anger are so inextricably woven throughout men’s experience, it is no surprise that so many of us are perplexed about what is appropriate and not appropriate and that we struggle to find a refuge to share our most vulnerable pain. Without a safe place—a very safe place—men are not going to talk about our abuse. And if we don’t talk about it, it won’t stop.

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