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5 steps to healing your financial regrets

This week’s guest blog is by Seattle Money Coach, Mikelann Valterra. Mikelann Valterra has been a Money Coach/ Financial Recovery Counselor for over a decade. She is the author of Why Women Earn Less: How to make what you’re really worth. Mikelann has appeared on dozens of radio shows, television spots and in newspapers across the United States.

Recently I was deeply struck by a post called The Statute of Limitations on Regret– posted on the Get Rich Slowly blog. It was on the author’s reaction to a couple who was beating themselves up for the money mistakes they made. And now they are focused on just getting through the day, marking time and feeling depressed. Yikes.

Well, we all make money mistakes. And on top of our mistakes, we feel horrible about them. Do you struggle with being critical of yourself over a money mistake? Are you plagued with regret over what you did- or didn’t do? Do you keep thinking and thinking and thinking- swirling in a circle—wishing you’d done things differently?

To compound our woes, we rarely talk about them. When we make relationship mistakes, we often hash over the “I can’t believe I did that” with girlfriends over a glass of wine. But when it comes to money, we can be extremely self-critical—suffering pangs of regret and remorse- replaying our money mistakes over and over in our head– mostly in isolation.

Here is how to heal.

1. Talk about it! And name the regret. We all know that speaking our truth heals, so get clear about the regret… and tell someone. Whom do you trust with your regret? Who would not judge you but would simply listen and love you anyways? Be specific about what you regret.

“I regret incurring that $23,000 in credit card debt over the last few years.”
“I regret borrowing money from my friend 8 years ago and never paying it back.”
“I regret buying a house that I couldn’t really afford.”
“I regret not saving more money.”
“I regret taking out student loans and then not finishing school.”

Speak your truth out loud. This is healing. Many clients have “confessed” things to me over the years, and it is always healing for them.

2. Name the belief you were laboring under. What basic belief do you think fueled that behavior?

“I think I believed that I didn’t have to really care about my spending. My mom never did.”
“I guess I had this fantasy that I would make enough money to pay the loan back.”
“Well, I thought that my income would just keep going up forever.”
“I believed that I didn’t really have to think about the future, I was too wrapped up in the present. I believed that things would magically always work out.”
“I think I was at a loss as to what to do with my life, so I decided to hide in school for a while.”

Naming the belief is part of healing. Without naming the belief, it’s easy to repeat the mistake. And sometimes the other person can help you out. You can ask this trusted friend, “What do you think I must have believed in order to have done that? I can’t figure it out. I’m too close.”

3. Forgive yourself. Yes, you knew this was coming. But truly—you did the best you could with where you were at the time. And besides, you are human. To err is human, remember. And you ARE human. And there is a lot at stake here- so take heed—every study done on the subject of forgiveness tells us that not forgiving harms our health- emotional and physical. You are more prone to illness when you don’t forgive yourself. So can you imagine saying, “I need to move on for the sake of my health and my future self?” Some people have a hard time forgiving because they confuse it with forgetting. But they are not the same. You do not have to forget. You can use what happened as amazing fuel to move you forward. And you deserve to forgive yourself. What happened is one piece of your life, but it is not YOU. And remember that it’s a process. You can start by saying, “I am in the process of forgiving myself.” Repeat ten times a day, for a week.

4. Find the silver lining- so what is the silver lining? What did you learn? The school of hard knocks is hard, but it isn’t called a “school” for nothing. What would you do differently? If this hadn’t happened, might it have happened in the future in a bigger or different way? There is a learning here. Find it.

5. What are your new actions? There is good that can come out of this. You’ve learned some things. What are some new actions you can take that would make you feel better? Can you cut up your credit cards? Can you set up an automatic savings account? Can you put in place some new healthier ways to be with money? Do you need to talk to a mortgage broker or your CPA? Is it time to work with a money coach? Pick one action and move forward. It feels good.

Remember, to make mistakes is human. And making money mistakes does NOT define who we are. What we do about them, though, does say a lot. It is our capacity to see and learn and grow that makes us amazing human beings. Transforming and healing your relationship to money is a sacred journey, full of twists and turns at times. But it is a journey none-the-less. Is it time to forgive yourself so you can continue the journey?

This is a quest post by: Mikelann Valterra

 Mikelann Valterra has been a Money Coach/ Financial Recovery Counselor for over a decade. Her passion is to help professional women escape the money fog, feel more in control of their finances and love their financial life. From eradicating debt to helping her clients build savings, conquer under-earning and cope with erratic incomes, she believes everyone can truly heal their relationship to money. She is the author of Why Women Earn Less: How to make what you’re really worth. Mikelann has appeared on dozens of radio shows, television spots and in newspapers across the United States. To read more about her private practice, go to http://www.seattlemoneycoach.com/

She can be contacted at:

Her web site is: http://www.seattlemoneycoach.com/about-mikelann-valterra

Phone: 206-634-0861

Email: mikelann@womenearning.com

Office Address: 1718 NW 56th St., Suite 306, Seattle, WA 98107

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A Quick List on… “How to deal with an addict in your life”

This week’s guest blog is written by Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC is a Professional Life Coach, certified by the International Coach Federation and a Family Recovery Coach. As a Family Recovery Coach, Bev’s mission is to help families of addicts blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes.

How do you deal with an addict in your life?

In facing the fact that your loved one is struggling mightily with addiction, it is important to let go of any sense of being a victim of the situation. This simply is what is happening and you are a part of it. Up until now, you may have been part of the problem. Now you can either consciously continue to be part of the problem or volunteer to be part of the solution. If you prefer the latter, here are some tips to help you become part of the solution:

1. Get out of denial and face the elephant in the living room! Don’t enable
a. Allow him or her to experience the consequences of their behavior
b. Don’t fix the mistakes they make

2. Let go of the resentment
a. Let go of ongoing anger, nagging, judgment and disrespect

3. Treat the addict in your life with dignity and respect
a. Look for their positives
b. See them as sick not bad
c. Use a respectful tone of voice that reflects their humanness and their right to  make their  own choices
d. Focus on the good times

4. You can contribute to the addict’s well being and recover by being good to yourself
a. Work on your self-care
b. Pay attention to you, your needs, your foibles, your strengths and successes, and not  those of the addict

5. Allow the addicted person to face their own responsibilities and consequences
a. Don’t go to the ‘heart attack’ level with your addict

6. Set boundaries that work for you. Accept the consequences of your boundary.

7. Get support so you don’t have to ‘go it alone’ (Alanon, Nar-Non meetings, a family recovery coach)

8. Be A Loving Mirror™ (BALM™)
a. Go to a calm place, calm yourself at will
b. When the addict is acting out in front of you, staying calm, listening, and thinking about it objectively
c. At the right time, in a calm manner, discuss what is happening and how it affects you
d. There are only four things that will happen to an addict: Recovery, Death, Institutions, or Jail
e. Find a new way, change your attitude, your response
f. Don’t contribute to the disease, contribute to the recovery. Be there for the recovery, not the addiction.
g. Have an inner shift when you are in a bad place. This is a place of healing our attitudes and healing ourselves.
h. Be a truth teller in a loving way.
i. Develop your inner calm, breathe, lower your heart rate,
ii. share in a dispassionate way
iii. no judgment, no rancor, no rage, no resentment

9. Get calm. Here are a couple of ways to do so:
a. Close your eyes, get comfortable take a deep breath in to the count of 4, hold it to the count of four and let it out to the count of four. Repeat this as needed to restore your calm and slow down your heart rate.
b. Sit in meditation daily. As soon as you sit down, allow yourself to experience the silence and peace underneath all thought and experience. Then, sit and watch your breath without trying to control it. Be aware of the life your breath has apart from you. Not trying to control your breath is a metaphor for not trying to control the addict in our lives. Do this for five minutes 3 times daily. After each time, stretch and feel the calm.

10. Grow your recovery with the 12 Keys to Sanity and watch yourself GROW!

Does this sound like a lot? Get support so you can do all of this with ease and know-how. Start by work individually with a Loving Mirror Family Recovery Coach or join a Loving Mirror Group for family members.

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC is a Professional Life Coach, certified by the International Coach Federation and a Family Recovery Coach. As a Family Recovery Coach, Bev’s mission is to help families of addicts blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes. She helps families of addicts reclaim their own peace of mind and teaches them how to become their addict’s best chance of recovery.  As a family recovery coach she works with parents, spouses or families individually and in small groups to achieve their goals and dreams. You can send an email to bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com to set up a complimentary session.

 

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15 Common Signs of Love or Romance Addiction: Understanding Love and Romance Addiction, Part Two

We welcome the return of our guest blogger, Robert Weiss, the Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers.

Recovering love addicts who have worked on themselves in therapy and 12-step programs like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) can relate to the idea of having used a well-rehearsed repertoire of manipulation to find and hold on to sexual and romantic partners.

Jose, a 32-year-old IT administrator put it this way –

I was always hunting in one form or another to find the special attention and sense of importance that only the right girl might make me feel if I could get with her. I figured I could make it happen with someone if I just wore, said or did the right thing or was good enough in bed, etc. In recovery it was necessary for me to recognize all the manipulative strategies I used to employ to attract and seduce women. As I slowly began to cast these aside, with the support of 12 step members, friends and therapy I actually began to learn my own value and real human worth, which over time has helped to remove the powerful and empty fantasy life that I lived in for so long.

Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to compliment our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of himself to provide the emotional stability he or she lacks within. Working hard to catch someone who can to fix them, rather than learning about and growing beyond their own emptiness, they can become fixated on troubled or emotionally unavailable partners, often providing others with the very love and security they themselves most desire. Ultimately as the love addict’s own emotional needs remain unmet, they may himself act out through verbal or physical abuse of a current partner or though excessive spending, sex addiction, affairs or drugs, experiences that will ultimately reinforce their underlying sense of shame, self hatred and loneliness.

For those seeking a long-term a relationship, healthy romantic intensity is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain love and attachment. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship are the most exhilarating because that emotional state helps us bond and attach. This is when how HE looks, walks, talks, eats and thinks is the subject of endless fantasy, excitement and late night phone calls.

Romance itself, with or without sex, does encourage personal growth when we are open to learning. Then each new relationship can offer insight and self-awareness. Most people easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance; the stuff of endless songs, greeting cards and fantasy. More than romantic intensity or great sex, true long-term intimacy is an experience of being known and accepted by someone over time. Loving relationships develop in part as those first exhilarating times together form a foundation of a deeper, long-term closeness. It is that deeper closeness which ultimately feeds our hearts and keeps us content; long after the rush of new romance has passed.

Love and Romantic addiction are not defined by gender or sexual orientation. The men and women who suffer from these challenges do however have underlying attachment, trauma and/or personality based issues that will require a period of healing to work beyond. It is strongly recommended that love and romance addicts both attend 12-step sex and love addiction meetings and therapy with a specialist trained in behavioral addictions. Hope and change are highly possible – but first the addict has to fully withdraw for some time from the active dating/sex/love game, while being guided by others toward self-reflection, grieving and improving social (non-romantic, non-sexual) peer relationships.

15 most common signs of love or romantic addiction:

1. Frequently mistaking intense sexual experiences or romantic infatuation for love

2. Constantly searching for romance and love

3. Using sex as a means to find or hold onto love

4. Falling in love with people met superficially or solely online

5. Problems maintaining intimate relationships once the initial newness and excitement has worn off

6. Consistent unhappiness, desire to hook-up or anxiety when alone

7. Consistently choosing abusive or emotionally unavailable partners

8. Giving emotionally, financially or otherwise to partners who require a great deal of care-taking but do not or can not reciprocate what they are given

9. When in a long-term relationship most often feeling detached, judgmental or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

10. Making decisions about what to wear, how to look, what to say etc., based on how others might perceive you, rather than on self-awareness, comfort and creativity.

11. Using sex, money, seduction, drama or other schemes to “hook” or hold onto a partner

12. Missing out on important family, career, recreational or social experiences in order to find, create or maintain a romantic relationship

13. Giving up – by avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to “solve the problem”

14. Being unable to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to self or others

15. Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others not to do so

Editor’s Note: If you think you may be a Love and/or a Romance Addict consider visiting the following sites:

http://www.slaafws.org/

http://www.coda.org/

http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_3.htm

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

http://www.piamellody.com/

http://recoverytradepublications.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mastin-kipp/addicted-to-love-part-1_b_652919.html

This blog was written by: Robert Weiss, Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. These centers serve individuals seeking sex, love, romance and codependency addiction. Follow Robert on Twitter @RobWeissMSW
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