Melissa Killeen
As a recovery coach, I often see that many of my clients have difficulties negotiating new relationships. In the 12-step rooms of the sex and love addictions, members write their healthy dating guidelines when they are entering a new relationship. They review their dating guidelines and make a commitment to their sponsor to follow these guidelines, before the first date. The following dating guidelines can be used by young adults, people that are separated or divorced, and for those who have been single for decades. Last week’s post focused on selecting the characteristics one wants in a potential date, the first date guidelines and first date deal-breakers. Feel free to circle the things that you embrace as your healthy dating guidelines and leave the rest. This week’s post covers the dating guidelines for the first month and on through to the sixth month. These guidelines are specific to circumstances that may occur during the courtship period. These suggestions will help anyone avoid the common pitfalls faced by those who are trying to win the heart of another.
Beginning of the relationship, guidelines for the first month
- I will be meeting in a public place for the first 3 dates
- I will not make up in my head that he/she is the “one.” Time is the determining factor of a solid relationship.
- I will limit the amount of fantasy or daydreaming I have about this person.
- I limit my electronic transmission and media use, because it is a gateway behavior to fantasizing and intimacy avoidance
- I will limit my contact by phone, to one 30-minute conversation every other day
- I will limit my contact by email to two emails a day
- I will limit my text to four texts a day
- I do not track this person on their dating sites or social network sites
- All phone calls, emails and texts will be non-sexual and not intriguing
- I will not stare at my phone expecting an instant reply or call back
- I will limit the dates to this person to one date every other week for the first two months
- I limit the amount of money I spend on a man/woman for dinner, vacations. clothes, gifts
- I will not use money spent as an expectation of some form of reciprocation
- I will not expect a man to purchase dinner, parking or movies every time we date
- I will not kiss this person on the first date
- I will not be involved with any form of sexual touching on the first date
- I will place appropriate guidelines on when I will kiss or erotically touch this person, e.g. third date to kiss or two months of dating the person before I erotically touch
- I will place appropriate boundaries with this person regarding my personal time. No phone calls/dates/interactions with this person that will interfere with me getting to work, doing my work, going to church, fixing my family’s meals, getting a good night’s sleep or any other prearranged time with my children, their school related activities, my friends, therapy or 12-step meetings.
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