Melissa Killeen
In my previous blog post I touched upon the subject of how a recovering mother could cope with the conflict her 21-year-old daughter expressed during a family vacation. In this post, I explore the collision of this emerging adult woman with the codependent behaviors of her youth, while growing up in an alcoholic household. This young woman is wishing that everything that she fantasized about her childhood remained true, and in addition, her mother (my recovery coaching client) was a sober and a perfectly wonderful mother. To understand what is transpiring with this emerging young adult, I looked into what forms an attachment between a child and her mother.
Kim Bartholomew wrote in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology about the attachment styles of young adults. She re-imagines the four categories of attachment theory, originally drafted by English psychologist John Bowlby in the 1970s and 80s, to fit the emerging adult.
Attachment theory as outlined by Bowlby, suggests that every human develops strong affectual bonds with others while they grow up. These affectual bonds can influence feelings or emotions in the unconscious decision-making process. Whether these bonds are with a parent, caregiver, teacher or friend, they are the foundation of the young adult’s self-image and their perception of others. These building blocks, or bonds, could be metaphorically described as ingredients to make a cake, or in other words, a cup of a mother’s nurturing, a pinch of a caregiver’s consistency, a tablespoon of a father’s work ethic and a dash of fear of an elementary school bully.
Bartholomew outlined in her article that a young adult’s self-image is divided into two parts: Positive — I am worthy of love and support and Negative — I am not worthy of love and support. In turn, a young adult will form an image of others using this same theory; Positive: You are trustworthy and available or Negative: You are unreliable and rejecting.[1]
Bartholomew breaks these affectual/attachment bonds into four more categories:
- Secure — A sense of worthiness (lovability) plus an expectation that other people are generally accepting and responsive. “It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.”
- Pre-occupied — A sense of unworthiness or un-lovability, but is combined with a positive evaluation of others. This combination of characteristics would lead the person to strive for self-acceptance by gaining the acceptance of valued others. “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”
- Fearful — A sense of unworthiness or un-lovability, combined with an expectation that others are untrustworthy and judgmental. By avoiding close involvement with others, this style enables people to protect themselves against anticipated rejection by others. “I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”
- Dismissive-Avoidant — A sense of love-worthiness, combined with a negative disposition toward other people. Such people protect themselves against disappointment by avoiding close relationships and maintaining a sense of independence and invulnerability. “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”[2]
For children of parents addicted to drugs or alcohol, life can be a nightmare riddled with confusion, fear, anger, and resentment. Could this emerging young adult be straddled between Pre-Occupied and Fearful in Bartholomew’s categories? Uncomfortable being without close maternal relationship, but sometimes worried that Mom doesn’t value her as much as she values Mom? And/or is she finding it difficult to trust her Mom completely, or to depend on her. Based on this young adult’s history with her Mom, is she sometimes worrying that she’ll will be hurt if she allows herself to become too close? The mere definition of being a young adult means it is very important to her to feel independent and self-sufficient, which leads into Bartholomew’s Dismissive-Avoidant category.
Does this give you an idea on how conflicted the emerging adult can be?
The task of knowing how to effectively deal with addicted parents is further complicated by the fact that children of addicts and alcoholics are at a higher risk of developing their own addictions and alcoholism based on their biology and upbringing. Unlikely as it may seem, dealing with addicted parents and shaping a healthier, happier life is possible for emerging adults.
More will follow in my next week’s blog.
[1] Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1991 by the American Psychological Association, Inc.
1991, Vol. 61, No. 2, 226-244 0022-3514/91/
Attachment Styles among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model
Kim Bartholomew, Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Leonard M. Horowitz, Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA, Pg 2.
Accessed on 7.17.14 at: http://tad.org.mx/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Attachment-Styles-Among-Young-Adults.pdf.
[2] Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1991 by the American Psychological Association, Inc.
1991, Vol. 61, No. 2, 226-244 0022-3514/91/
Attachment Styles among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model
Kim Bartholomew Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Leonard M. Horowitz, Stanford University, Palo Alto, CA , Pg.4,5 and 19
Accessed on 7.17.14 at: http://tad.org.mx/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Attachment-Styles-Among-Young-Adults.pdf.
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