Tag Archives: addiction

15 Common Signs of Love and Romance Addiction

Posted on January 1, 2013 by Michael

Are you a love or romance addict? Recovering love and romance addicts who have worked on themselves in therapy and 12-step programs like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) can relate to the idea of having used a well-rehearsed repertoire of manipulation to find and hold on to sexual and romantic partners.

Jose, a 32-year-old IT administrator put it this way –

I was always hunting in one form or another to find the special attention and sense of importance that only the right girl might make me feel if I could get with her. I figured I could make it happen with someone if I just wore, said or did the right thing or was good enough in bed, etc. In recovery it was necessary for me to recognize all the manipulative strategies I used to employ to attract and seduce women. As I slowly began to cast these aside, with the support of 12 step members, friends and therapy I actually began to learn my own value and real human worth, which over time has helped to remove the powerful and empty fantasy life that I lived in for so long.

Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to compliment our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of himself to provide the emotional stability he or she lacks within. Working hard to catch someone who can to fix them, rather than learning about and growing beyond their own emptiness, they can become fixated on troubled or emotionally unavailable partners, often providing others with the very love and security they themselves most desire. Ultimately as the love addict’s own emotional needs remain unmet, they may himself act out through verbal or physical abuse of a current partner or though excessive spending, sex addiction, affairs or drugs, experiences that will ultimately reinforce their underlying sense of shame, self hatred and loneliness.

For those seeking a long-term a relationship, healthy romantic intensity is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain love and attachment. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship are the most exhilarating because that emotional state helps us bond and attach. This is when how HE looks, walks, talks, eats and thinks is the subject of endless fantasy, excitement and late night phone calls.

Romance itself, with or without sex, does encourage personal growth when we are open to learning. Then each new relationship can offer insight and self-awareness. Most people easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance; the stuff of endless songs, greeting cards and fantasy. More than romantic intensity or great sex, true long-term intimacy is an experience of being known and accepted by someone over time. Loving relationships develop in part as those first exhilarating times together form a foundation of a deeper, long-term closeness. It is that deeper closeness which ultimately feeds our hearts and keeps us content; long after the rush of new romance has passed.

Love and Romantic addiction are not defined by gender or sexual orientation. The men and women who suffer from these challenges do however have underlying attachment, trauma and/or personality based issues that will require a period of healing to work beyond. It is strongly recommended that love and romance addicts both attend 12-step sex and love addiction meetings and therapy with a specialist trained in behavioral addictions. Hope and change are highly possible – but first the addict has to fully withdraw for some time from the active dating/sex/love game, while being guided by others toward self-reflection, grieving and improving social (non-romantic, non-sexual) peer relationships.

15 most common signs of love or romantic addiction:
1. Frequently mistaking intense sexual experiences or romantic infatuation for love

2. Constantly searching for romance and love

3. Using sex as a means to find or hold onto love

4. Falling in love with people met superficially or solely online

5. Problems maintaining intimate relationships once the initial newness and excitement has worn off

6. Consistent unhappiness, desire to hook-up or anxiety when alone

7. Consistently choosing abusive or emotionally unavailable partners

8. Giving emotionally, financially or otherwise to partners who require a great deal of care-taking but do not or can not reciprocate what they are given

9. When in a long-term relationship most often feeling detached, judgmental or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

10. Making decisions about what to wear, how to look, what to say etc., based on how others might perceive you, rather than on self-awareness, comfort and creativity.

11. Using sex, money, seduction, drama or other schemes to “hook” or hold onto a partner

12. Missing out on important family, career, recreational or social experiences in order to find, create or maintain a romantic relationship

13. Giving up – by avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to “solve the problem”

14. Being unable to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to self or others

15. Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others not to do so

Editor’s Note: If you think you may be a Love and/or a Romance Addict consider visiting the following sites:

You are not alone.

Home

http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_3.htm

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

http://www.piamellody.com/

http://recoverytradepublications.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mastin-kipp/addicted-to-love-part-1_b_652919.html

We welcome the return of our guest blogger, Robert Weiss, the Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. This post, originally published in February 2012, was this year’s top read blog post. I am re-posting this as my New Year’s Day blog post. Happy New Year to all of my 17,000 readers and thank you for joining me this year!

This blog was written by: Robert Weiss, Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. These centers serve individuals seeking sex, love, romance and codependency addiction. Follow Robert on Twitter @RobWeissMSW

Relapse Prevention: Negative Self-Talk, the Warning Sign of a Relapse

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Michael

This week’s guest blog is written by Sean Leadem, MSW, CSAT, CMAT, Leadem Counseling Services, Toms River, NJ

Shawn is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in New Jersey and Virginia with a Master’s Degree in Social Work from Radford University. Through his specialized training by Dr. Patrick Carnes, Shawn has received his certification as a Sexual Addiction Therapist and a Multiple Addictions Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals. Shawn is a contributing author to the publication An Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention and Co-Director of the Relapse Prevention Intensive. His lifelong exposure to the “recovery culture” and his personal recovery experience has left him with a deep personal empathy for the social and emotional suffering endured by others and a strong faith in a person’s ability to change.

This article is the first in a series focusing on relapse prevention tools. More relapse prevention tools will be featured in an upcoming publication entitled: Ounce of Prevention: A Relapse Prevention Guide. The publication’s approach to identifying and intervening on personal relapse triggers or self-defeating behaviors will help you develop a plan for preventing relapse and enhancing the quality of your recovery. The publication challenges the traditional notion that relapse is an event, and advocates relapse is a process and clearly highlights the roadside warnings that can caution you about the slippery slope you may be on.

Relapse is identified by the phases we experience prior to sliding down the slippery slope into the murky pond with a deep dark bottom. One of the many strategies for intervening on the phases of relapse is learning to identify the first phase in the relapse process : Emotional Discomfort.

To introduce this phase called Emotional Discomfort, I begin by referring to an old 12 Step saying. It goes something like this,

“If you want to know what ‘the drug’ will do to you, keep ‘using it’ and you will find out. If you want to know what it is doing for you, you need to stop ‘using it’.”

The first part of the saying is self-explanatory; it isreferring to the consequences one will pay because of their unbridled addiction. The second part of the saying makes reference to the fact that one’s “drug of choice” will be used to numb some emotional pain that will resurface when abstinence is secured. It is the wisdom of this saying that helps to show the reason for using mood-altering drugs is to, alter one’s mood.

Some form of emotional discomfort is in every recovering addict; however, emotional discomfort appears differently in different people. One of the ways in which emotional discomfort can be identified is in “negative self-talk”. Negative self-talk is negative internal dialogue we use to view the world, explain situations and communicate to ourselves that focuses our attention on what we believe to be wrong with us or wrong with our life. Negative self-talk is a challenge for many of us.

Whether you are new to recovery or have struggled with relapse, it is likely that you have experienced “negative self talk” and consider it a challenge or defect of character. If you have indulged in negative self-talk, you undoubtedly understand the power it has to diminish hope, evaporate self-esteem, and threaten your resolve to remain sober. Negative self-talk can be quite seductive. When we begin embracing statements such as “I have nothing to offer in this relationship” or “people will always disappoint you”, the seductive power of this negative dialogue takes over. Where does it come from? Negative self-talk comes from the comfort or the “familiarity” it brings to you and from the illusion of “protection” this talk may offer you (e.g. to protect you from hurt or abandonment). While most will agree negative self-talk lacks logic or reason, we find ourselves self-degrading before others get a chance to do so, as if it is going to be a protective shield! Does negative self-talk insulate us from criticism or rejection? So why, if it makes no sense, if it does not protect us from rejection, or does not feel good, why do we use it?

Clinical experience suggests that much of the data for negative self-talk is acquired during our youth when we are the most impressionable and egocentric. Egocentrism, defined as regarding one’s self as being at the center of all things, is a normal part of childhood development. It is normal for a child to view the world and the adults as somehow being related to them. A child is likely to internalize the pain or chaos that is happening around them and would think – “what is wrong with me?” or “what did I do wrong?”

If being impressionable and egocentric are parts of a child’s development why do the messages still hold such power in a recovering adult’s life today? When one becomes dependent on mood altering drugs or experiences, they stunt their development and rob themselves of the opportunity to address the original messages they received and resolve these messages as an adult. Additionally, the older the messages are, the more power they tend to have and as a result, they are more difficult to change. Therefore, it is important to act quickly when the negative self-talk begins or risk succumbing to the seduction it has to offer.

This tool, What’s Your Proof?, is designed to address the seductive elements of negative self-talk. This tool will help you recognize that the people who might have contributed to your library of negative self-talk, were hurt people and that you were a victim of their pain, you suffered from collateral damage from their dysfunction – you were not the cause of it.This tool is broken down into five sections.

1. In the first section, you are asked to identify one negative self-talk phrase or perception that is currently causing you injury.
2. Second, identify the “author” (e.g. caretaker, sibling, neighbor) you learned this perception from and/or who in your life would likely have agreed with the perception (e.g. caretaker, siblings, co-workers).
3. In the third section, you are asked to come up with the proof to support the “author’s” perception.
4. In the fourth and final section, you are asked to examine the author’s story and look into their lives and discover what would have hurt them so badly as to cause them to project onto you, this negative attribute.
5. Lastly, ask, “What’s your proof that ___________?

If you are having difficulty completing this exercise or find that is bringing up great emotional pain, please seek out professional help and allow them to guide you through it. Once you have completed this exercise we encourage you to bring it to your support group, including your sponsor for feedback and encouragement.

Written by:
Sean Leadem, MSW, CSAT, CMAT
Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services, PC
http://www.leademcounseling.com/

Corporate Headquarters
668 Commons Way, Bldg. I –
Toms River, NJ 08755
732-797-1444 | Email: leadom@comcast.net

And

Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services
NCADD of Middlesex County, Inc.
152 Tices Lane
East Brunswick, NJ 08816
Phone Number: 732-307-7387
Email: lccs@leademcounseling.com

Posted in Addiction Recovery Posts | Tagged addiction, negative self talk, relapse prevention, sobriety tools | 10 Comments

“Gift of Desperation or G.O.D.” A guest blog by Janet Surrey, PhD

Posted on January 8, 2012 by Michael

Janet Surrey is a clinical psychologist and lecturer at the Harvard Medical School, she is a founding scholar and board member at the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Wellesley Centers for Women at Wellesley College, in Massachusetts. Dr. Surrey is a co-author of Women’s Growth in Connection and the Psychology of Peacemaking. She is co-editor of Mothering Against the Odds: Diverse Voices of Contemporary Mothers. Along with her husband, Stephen Bergman and Samuel Shem, she has co-authored the book “We Have to Talk: Healing Dialogues between Men and Women”. Dr. Surrey is the author of numerous articles and papers. She has written and spoken widely on many topics, including gender issues, mother-daughter relationships, addictions, couples therapy, empathy, adoption, and peacemaking.

Janet was interviewed by Christopher Kennedy Lawford for Mr Lawford’s book “Moment of Clarity”. In this book Janet describes her moment of clarity and calls it her “gift of desperation” or G.O.D.

Who knows why those moments come when they do? Or why they come at all? It’s a mystery. I remember seeing this with an anorexic I was treating. She’d look in the mirror a billion times and saw herself as fat, and suddenly she looked in the mirror and saw she was thin, and everything changed. I’ll never forget that. I saw before me the mystery of that moment when something important gets reorganized, and it’s not under our control. It’s just a complete mystery, and it’s transformative. And it’s also truth.

That’s the gift of desperation. Where you are is so bad, you have nothing left to loose, so why not try recovery? People tell that it will be hard, but you can get through it. People try by their human example to show you that you can lose and you gain things beyond your wildest dreams.

When someone needs help, I tell them my story. I try to get them to talk with someone. If not me, then someone else. And I try to carry the message in a quiet way. It doesn’t always work, so I have to be very humble and not push. I have to find the right way to share and try to be sensitive, but not to expect much. Just trust you don’t know where the seeds are going.

And if it helps, I tell people not to worry about “God.” I mean I have so much trouble with the word God. So I think of it as G.O.D., the gift of desperation, because desperation brings us to the point where we can relate to the universe in a different way. It pushes us out of ourselves, makes us ask for help in a really fundamental way. Ask for help, and have something answer you. I don’t believe it’s a being, but I think you experience the aliveness of the universe in that moment.

Reprinted from: Christopher Kennedy Lawford’s 2009 book, Moments of Clarity, published by Harper Collins Books, NYC, NY, this excerpt is found on page 97

Posted in Addiction Recovery Posts | Tagged addiction, alcoholics, anorexic, Christopher Kennedy Lawford, Gift of Desperation, Janet Surrey, Melissa Killeen, MKRecoveryCoaching.com, Moment of Clarity, PhD, recovery | Comments Off