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Melissa Killeen

In my experience as a recovery coach, I come across two kinds of people: One is the person who verbally (or physically) expresses their anger, and the other is the type of person who stuffs their anger way down, deep inside, where eventually it comes out sideways. I tend to work with the people that fall into the second category; in fact I also fall into that category.

One concept that’s helped me emerge from this stuffing of my anger, or placing it in a box and hiding it in my closet, is the work of Bill O’Hanlon. Bill is a psychotherapist, prolific author, and popular workshop presenter. He co-developed Solution-Oriented Therapy, a form of Solution-focused brief-therapy, and has authored or co-authored over 28 books. Bill O’Hanlon gave me permission to be angry. In fact, there are four situations in which everyone is allowed to be angry. They are universal. I was never given permission to be angry, and much to my amazement, neither were many of my clients. Bill O’Hanlon looks at anger not as an effect, but as a cause. As Bill says — “turning emotions from verbs into nouns.” Bill calls them upsets. To explain these concepts further, let’s examine the four areas in which we get upset. When you find yourself angry, examine why you are angry, and ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you experiencing an unfulfilled expectation?
2. Have you had an intention thwarted?
3. Was an undelivered communication involved?
4. Have you discovered some unrealized truths about oneself, others, the world or life?

Let’s start with the first one. One of my clients is very angry at her father. He left her, abandoned her, and he continues to not be intimately involved with her or his grandchildren. My client, let’s call her Sarah, expects a father to always be there, giving her what she wants or needs, hugging her, and telling her he loves her. At 42, Sarah has never experienced this from her father. It is not the person he is. Yes, he has his own abandonment and intimacy issues. But she makes up in her head that he should be Daddy Warbucks. She experiences these unfulfilled expectations constantly, and gets very angry at him. She is angry he doesn’t fit the image of the father she has created in her head. But it’s ok to get angry at expectations that have been unfulfilled.

The second upset involves a client from Chicago and we’ll call her Caroline. It was always Caroline’s intention to be happily married to one man, forever. She never wanted to have what happened to her as a child (her parents divorced) happen to her children. Now, unfortunately, she is facing divorce proceedings. She is very, very angry at her soon-to-be ex-husband. In spite of her intention to be happily married, divorce is imminent because of her addiction. His refusal to interact with her makes her furious. She can be angry, it’s okay. Her dreams have been dashed, her intentions thwarted

Now, let’s look at Mike. Mike is an addict who is struggling in his first year of sobriety. He and his live-in girlfriend never communicate. She is an executive in a very high-pressure job, which demands very long hours. In addition, she works in the city, an hour’s commute from their home. He is currently unemployed and in outpatient treatment. Recently, he got into cooking as a way to express himself and be creative. He planned a great meal, using an exotic fish, not something you could cook and set aside to re-heat. His girl friend had to go to an appointment north of the city and didn’t think she needed to let him know. However, there was an accident on the Turnpike and she was stuck in backed-up traffic for hours. To make matters worse, the battery on her cell phone died and she had left her charger in his car. He was livid. The meal was ruined. He made up in his head her having an affair, meeting another man for sex, because he was a recovering addict and she didn’t love him anymore. Every time he called her cell, he got angrier. Mike, its okay you are angry when communication is undelivered or blocked. Breathe deep.

Each one of these situations, undelivered communications, thwarted intentions, or unfulfilled expectations, led to the fourth upset: unrealized truths about oneself, others, the world or life. My clients recognize this upset. It makes them angrier, but they either stuff this fourth upset deep inside themselves or in that box on the top shelf of a closet. Behind this upset is deflection, catastrophizing and denial.

It’s easier for Sarah to be mad at her father than for her to recognize she is making up the expectation of a perfect father and trying to fit him into it. She should realize the truth: she cannot change her father. He is what he is. Maybe Sarah is a bit angry about that, as well.

Caroline, thwarted in her intention of living happily married ever after, is not recognizing her role in the drama. If she wants to be married happily ever after, she needs to get and remain sober. Something she knows she is not doing very well. Maybe Caroline is a bit angry about that, too.

Mike imagined his planned evening would be a game changer, a night that would bring his girlfriend back into his arms, his addiction forgotten. Yet, when a natural circumstance like an accident causes a delay, he is off to the races thinking the worse, or catastrophizing that a break-up is imminent. Yes, he is a bit angry about that, his catastrophizing another way of stuffing his anger. Eventually, he will “use” over it. Mike, come out of the closet, open the anger box, and talk about it. Focus on the breakdown of communications, which happened tonight (and only tonight) and get your anger out on the table.

So these three clients are told they can get angry if they experience an unfulfilled expectation, have an intention thwarted or if an undelivered communication is involved. Told that it’s okay, everyone gets angry over these things. I allow my clients to get angry, to rant, to raise their voices and to stamp their feet. Allowing them to get angry is the first step; once the steam is let off it becomes easier to discover the unrealized truths about themselves and deal appropriately with the anger they carry within.

Andrew Susskind, MSW, SEP, CGP

Andrew Susskind, MSW, SEP, CGP is a pioneer in the cutting-edge field of Recovery Coaching. In 2005, he co-founded Recovery Coaches International (RCI), a grassroots organization dedicated to integrating coaching into the addiction recovery community, and he recently released his workbook entitled, From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery. Andrew wears several hats: as a Recovery Coach, licensed psychotherapist, author and workshop leader – as a result, he brings a multi-faceted perspective and expertise to the work. He maintains a private practice in psychotherapy in West Los Angeles and can be reached at andrew@andrewsusskind.com.

Apparently most of the fuel that is used by spaceships traveling to the moon is consumed in just getting them beyond earth’s gravity. After they have done so, NASA scientists count on lunar gravity to pull the spaceship toward the moon. Similarly, it is “escape velocity” that requires most of the energy moving us away from our former way of life. A compelling vision must be so clear and so powerful that its very magnetism and gravitational forces will literally pull you toward it.
–Laurie Beth Jones

“Escape velocity” requires rocket fuel and combustion to move us away from old patterns and into a brand-new orbit. Clarifying one’s core values and discovering greater purpose are the primary ingredients toward a meaningful, effective vision in recovery.

Living life with purpose – what does this really mean? Investing yourself in a recovery process opens up a window of opportunity to ask yourself essential questions and to start to imagine what purpose will unfold for you.

Many years ago I worked with a chaplain who told me that purpose does not always reveal itself unless we ask the right questions–questions such as:

• What gives your life meaning today?
• What is your sense of purpose so far in your life?
• What type of legacy would you like to leave behind?

Orthodox rabbis in Jerusalem are masters of debate, confrontation, and exploring many of the tough, spiritual questions. Yet, much of the time they never actually arrive at crystal-clear answers. Is it necessary to have all of the answers in this chapter of your life? Of course not.

But the humility of not always having the exact answers coupled with the willingness to follow your unique rhythm makes room for a more purposeful path. In this post adapted from my workbook, we’ll explore how to uncover your unique rhythm.

As human beings in recovery, we have the rare opportunity to utilize relationships to gather and absorb wisdom through sponsors, therapists, coaches, yoga teachers, etc. – all with valuable experience, perspective and guidance. If you believe in God or a Higher Power, tap into your spiritual practice to explore your purpose or to search for greater meaning.

Digesting and synthesizing all of this information helps you choose what fits for you and what does not. Then you can make a conscious decision to integrate purpose into your recovery allowing your authentic recovery voice to take shape. But how does this happen?

You’ll begin discovering some of the answers available to you through the powerful tool of “visioning.” Many of my clients through the years arrived in my office looking for the so-called expert with the right answers to make them feel better. Yet, this implies that the answers are somewhere else. The answers are inside of you, but where do you begin to find them?

Walt Disney coined the term imagineering to describe the process of imagining limitless possibilities. As we know, he was a visionary and a pioneer who set out to create the Happiest Place on Earth. By putting one foot in front of the other, he created Disneyland as well as the international phenomena called Disney.

No matter what your opinion of Walt Disney may be, we can all agree that he started with a vision and created an empire. He took a blank canvas, invited a team of imagineers (or like-minded people) and took one action after another until theme parks, full-length animated motion pictures and iconic characters were born.

A vision can be short-term or long-term–large or small. It can fit into any timeframe that feels right for you. Begin slowly and build muscle until you reach a longer-term vision. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, stop. The intention of this exercise is to allow you to create safe stretch goals and pace yourself accordingly.

Visioning (or imagineering) offers you the freedom to stretch beyond your everyday routine and comfort zone by creating a longer-term vision of what you would like to design in the coming year. Give yourself plenty of time to meditate on these ideas before writing. Feel free to take as much time as you need to explore the possibilities. 

Now it’s time to imagine the year ahead. By creating a trajectory toward a mindful future, you’ll build more structure and momentum as part of your purposeful recovery. Please consider the following questions as you write about the possibilities for the coming year:

• Give shape and voice to the vision of your life and recovery 12 months from now. (If 12 months feels too distant to you, please shorten the length of time to suit what feels more productive to you).
• How would you describe your heart’s desire?
• What do you want to invite into your life personally and professionally?

As you allow the visioning process to unfold, keep in mind that “escape velocity” is the aim. Your rocket may be ready for take-off now, or it may need some time to collect fuel and create combustion. Most of all, remember that it’s not that anything has to happen, but simply what could happen that counts at this stage of the launch.

Adapted from the recently released workbook entitled From Now On: Seven Keys to Purposeful Recovery by Andrew Susskind, MSW, SEP, CGP. Andrew’s website is andrewsusskind.com.

Melissa Killeen

In my previous post, I looked into what was transpiring for an emerging young adult, and I reported on what forms an attachment between a mother and child. If you haven’t been following along with my Angry Birds series, the mother is my client and the child (an emerging adult) is her 21-year-old daughter. In this post, I explore the collision and conflict of this emerging adult woman with the codependent behaviors of her youth, growing up in an alcoholic household. The young woman wants to believe that everything she has fantasized about her childhood still holds true and, at the same time, she is angry her mother, isn’t working her recovery, perfectly. To understand what is happening with this emerging young adult, I looked into John Bowlby’s attachment theory and Kim Bartholomew’s research into the attachment styles of young adults.

As these children of addicted parents mature, Bowlby’s attachment theory and Bartholomew’s categories theory become clearly apparent. Children of alcoholics or addicts often feel that they are to blame for their parent(s) problems. This continues into adulthood, with the young adults feeling a sense of blame and guilt due to their inability to prevent or fix their parent’s condition.

Children of addicts feel ashamed of their parent(s) and their addiction, and as a result they choose to be isolated and alone. By avoiding close involvement with others, these now adult children of addicts protect themselves against anticipated hurt or danger from others by withholding intimacy and/or isolating.

Addicts and alcoholics are unreliable and make promises they can’t keep. It’s not uncommon for them to fail to meet obligations or responsibilities. Living with an addict/alcoholic is often an untrustworthy situation. An young adult of an addicted parent wants emotionally close relationships, but finds it difficult to trust or depend on others completely, reproducing the fear of untrustworthiness they experienced in their younger years with their addicted parent(s). As young adults emerge with the purpose of finding a mate, they often experience comfort in a familiar behavior  in a date or potential partner. A false sense of comfort is an unconscious effect of familiarity with a parental behavior, perhaps a edgy sense of humor or enjoying a risky sport, but most likely it is an indicator of an addictive or demeaning behavior. If love blossoms, it is sometimes with devastating results, the partner is reproducing an addictive behavior of the parent. Once a potential partner’s behavior becomes evident, the emerging adult repeats their childhood behavior of enabling, feeling shame or isolating. Going forward after the first potential mating failure, the emerging adult can find it more difficult to trust others or become emotionally intimate in other relationships.

Behavior, such as lying on a regular basis, can create trust issues for those living with the alcoholic, increases tension and the possibility for verbal or physical disputes. This type of environment is very unsafe for emerging adults as well as children. As a result of growing up in such a setting, young adults may find they compulsively lie, at first to cover up a parent’s misdeeds, but later this lying behavior becomes habitual as a way to avoid conflict or criticism.

The family, like the alcoholic, may also be in denial of the severity of their loved one’s drinking or drugging, or may otherwise deflect its severity through excessive worry for the alcoholic. Through denial and/or excessive worry, the family exhibits codependency with the alcoholic or addict (e.g., constantly picking up the pieces left behind as a result of the wreckage left in the wake of the addict’s destructive behavior). Family members develop anger and resentment towards the addict because of their selfishness and unreliability. The young adult, after years of codependent caretaking, is asking When do I get to be free of the addict? Resentment is compounded as the young adult tries to successfully launch into their own life, perhaps with the addict parent still clinging to them. The growth of anger towards the parent develops and avoidant behavior begins to appear as the adult child angrily separates from the addicted parent. Often the separation is termed as “permanent” by the young adult.

Conversely, the addict is likely to be codependent on those stable people in his or her life. Through excessive and destructive drug or alcohol use they have failed to develop the skills to deal with life without “getting loaded.” After years of codependency and enabling, there is always one stand-out enabler, either one of the children, a grandparent or a spouse. Thus enabling and codependency run rampant through every member of an addict’s household. Family members easily form resentments against each other; they may become angry at someone’s continued efforts to enable the alcoholic. This combination of characteristics can lead the young adult to strive for self-acceptance by gaining the acceptance of both the addict and fellow family members, each viewed by the young adult as “valued others”. The emerging adult is uncomfortable being without close relationships, becomes a “people pleaser” and also worries that others don’t value her as much as she values them.

In provocation, the victimized young adult may have trouble keeping their bitterness, resentment, fear, and hurt to themselves and let it interfere with their relationships with other family members and friends. Manifestations of emotional dysfunction appear (throwing things, yelling, etc.) and the alcoholic parent may use this as an excuse to continue using, mistaking their young adult’s despair and confusion for callousness. And so the vicious cycle continues.

Misinterpreting a young person’s despair or simply acting out over the guilt of causing it, the alcoholic parent is likely to suffer more substantial problems (physical, emotional, legal, etc.) and a crisis may result from his or her excessive use and destructive behavior. At this point, the behavior of the alcoholic, and the entire family, must be addressed if it is to be resolved. Professional therapeutic help is needed.

Luckily, this emerging young adult (my client’s daughter) contacted me and requested suggestions for therapists in her area. As for my coaching client, the recovering mother, I requested increased therapy appointments, stepped up my visits with her and increased her toxicology screens to ensure the vicious cycle of addiction does not begin.