Category Archives: Sex Addiction

This guest post is written by Jeff Hutchinson, Certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Specialist.

It’s happened to all of us. The week has been going great, no talk of addiction, no questions, and she is even smiling. Then it happens. You may be in a restaurant, driving in your car, or watching TV . . . an attractive women walks past the table, you pass a certain road or part of town or some lewd commercial comes on while you’re watching the ABC Family Network of all things. Whatever it may be, you’re once happy ignorant bliss is now covered in a thick heavy blanket of unease, making it hard for you to breathe while beads of sweat appear on your forehead. You noticed it; and regardless if you bounced your eyes, took a second look, drifted off into fantasy or turned away and captured your thoughts with a 3-second rule, Dumbo is now flying around.

Is she aware of what has just happened? Well, it’s not so difficult to notice an elephant with big ears flying around. If you’re a Star Wars fan you can equate it to a disturbance in the force. Still, as obvious as it is, we remain silent. We think that if we don’t acknowledge it we can somehow return to the way things were two seconds ago. Two seconds ago when she was happy. What the heck just happened? Just like you have certain triggers, so does your wife. And as sure as your triggers bring up things for you, so do hers.

I can’t really put into words the trauma our wives have endured. As a man I can’t even fathom it. If someone were to tell me to try and put myself in her place I simply couldn’t do it. If I’m honest with myself, and I think about if the table had been turned, I don’t think I would stay. I don’t know that I could bear the pain. Understanding the grace that our wives have extended us is a very difficult concept. The strength that it must take to persevere while being bombarded by constant reminders, nightmares, and visions is foreign to me. If you’re like me, I needed to “get it.” I had to try my best with my male brain to empathize, not only with what my wife has been through, but with what was happening to my wife during these times when she was triggered.

In Vietnam many American soldiers were subjected to horrible trauma, some were taken prisoner, and many who returned suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). At the time PTSD was not accepted as mainstream, causing our vets to become isolated. Many soldiers thought it was weakness on their part. We’ve all seen the movies where a soldier has a flashback that manifests with intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating, and hyper-vigilance). Movies like Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, and Born on the Fourth of July give us a visual image of what PTSD looks like. These movies unleash the inner mindset of combat veterans trying their best to cope with the trauma of war. Characters clearly exhibit classic symptoms of PTSD such as uncontrollable anger, emotional numbing, denial, keyed up startle responses, an interest in recreating traumatizing events, and substance abuse. Likewise, our wives often experience symptoms of PTSD.

Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., and Marsha Means, MA, address “The Trauma Perspective” in their book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. “Prior to this discovery the person believed his or her partner loved only him or her and remained faithful. Suddenly their relationship holds danger and dark secrets. Discovering that much of your life is built on lies proves traumatizing and destroys one’s sense of safety and security.” Why can we accept this in others, but not in our wives? As husbands we have to be aware of what is going on and do whatever we can to help.

Insecurity vs. trust — It is ludicrous for us to believe that because our wives go into a defensive position every time they are reminded of our acting out, that they are “just being insecure.”

If you have some strange notion that just because it’s been six months or even five years and you feel she should be “over it” by now, then I want you to be honest and think back to some traumatic event that happened in your life and ask yourself how long it took you to get over it. Most of us have never had to deal with our issues sober, so next time you think that she should be “over it” think back to that one issue that you’re still not over. Remember we’ve had our “drug” to help cope. She’s doing this sober (hopefully), scared, alone, and shattered; fearing the worst while praying for the best. Don’t allow things to become obscured. It’s easy to look at how far you’ve come in your recovery and feel really good about yourself. I know about resentment and how it’s easy to feel like she’s not seeing any change. To me it seemed as if every time I was really making progress she would bring something up. I hated it; I didn’t want to revisit all the horrible things I had done. I assumed that she could just see that I was a changed man. I was under the delusion that trust could be built over night . . . it can’t.

Fear can be crippling. I remember feeling frozen when some of the truth about my addiction first came out. Even in the face of hard evidence, when my wife was pleading with me to tell her the truth, I couldn’t do it. So by telling you this let me say. emphatically, how much I understand the overwhelming urge to keep the peace and stay silent. It’s critical for us to empathize with our wife, and during her time of need, overcome your fears. All of us have a protective instinct. We just have to realize when our wives are in danger.

So how do we come to her aid? Communicate. Let me say that again . . .
communicate. This is scary but vital. For most of us, male and female, the fear of the unknown is terrifying. That’s what your wife is struggling with. “How can he say he loves me and still look at other women?” or “Why am I not enough for him?” or “Is he fantasizing about that woman right now?”. These are but a few of the questions that have been posed to me in my own marriage. Men, you are going to see beautiful women, just as you are going to see nature’s beauty. I do not believe this is a sin, however let me be clear the fact that we are visually drawn to women does not make it ok to linger or give into lust.

So, when you feel the flapping of giant ears around you, become proactive! Reject passivity! Be the man your wife wants you to be, the man God has designed you to be. It can be as simple as taking her hand in yours and giving it a light squeeze to let her know you are aware of what just happened or it can be as difficult as answering all her questions. Be ready, and be honest. The most important thing I’ve learned in my recovery is to be honest and forthright. If my wife asks me if I noticed a women I have to acknowledge if I did or didn’t. If she wants to know if I thought the woman was attractive . . . yes or no?It’s natural for us to want to avoid hurting our wives feelings but the honesty you provide will far outweigh the moments of discomfort. It’s your job to fill in the blanks. This will not be a pleasant experience but I am almost certain your wife will appreciate your honesty. Support her, comfort her, ask questions, and ask if you can pray with her . . . communicate. Destroy the fear of the unknown, break the silence, and watch Dumbo fly away.

This guest post is written by Jeff Hutchinson. Jeff is a Professional Life Coach and Certified Pastoral Sex Addiction Specialist (CPSAS). He is also certified in the Treatment and Diagnosis of Sexual Addiction through the American Association of Christian Counselors. His offices are in Katy and Houston, TX, call 832.693.7916, or go to his web site to learn more: www.comfortchristiancounseling.com.

This guest post is written by Ella Hutchinson, LPC, CCSAS. Ella is a sex addiction therapist in in Katy and Houston, TX specializing in treating wives of sex addicts.

I get emails daily from women all over the world asking if I can refer them to a good sex addiction counselor in their area. Since they are asking me I know they have been to my website or read one of my articles and are looking for someone who will recognize and validate their trauma while not labeling them a co-sex addict. Helping people find good therapists could become a full time job for me. Unfortunately, I am not a referral service and there is a helpless feeling that I can’t assist every person who comes to me. I hope this article will give partners the information they need to locate the right therapist for them.

Unfortunately, in spite of studies showing that 70% of wives of sex addicts meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), most sex addiction counselors are still working from the co-addict model.

The co-addict model says a person who is married to a sex addict is sick, out of control, addicted to their spouse, and implies she is partially to blame for his behavior, simply because she chose to marry a sex addict, even though the vast majority of the time she did not even know he was an addict.

Symptoms of PTSD have been shown to mimic symptoms of co-addiction, but still most therapists are sticking to this outdated model which is doing great harm to partners. So does that mean there is no hope in finding a good counselor to help a woman whose world has been turned upside down by the discovery of her husband’s pornography or sexual addiction? No. But it may prove to be more challenging than it should be. Below are some tips I hope you will find helpful in finding a counselor who will offer you the validation and guidance you need and deserve.

1. Read the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. This will educate you on the sex-addiction induced trauma model. Then call around to therapists and ask if they are familiar with the book and subscribe to what it teaches.

2. If they say yes, and many will, probe further. Ask if they use the term co-addict to label partners of sex addicts (you can often find this on their website which will help you rule out many therapists quickly), especially before they have even met them. If they do sometimes diagnose clients as co-sex addict, and hopefully they don’t, ask if they evaluate them first or if that is the name they give all partners of sex addicts. Do they refer partners to COSA, S-Anon, or any other 12 step meetings (hopefully not). Is so how often and why? 12 step meetings are almost always for addicts and codependent family members of addicts.

Many partners of addicts (such as drug addicts and alcoholics) do enable addictive behavior, turn a blind eye, allow their children to be put in harm’s way by not protecting them from the addict, etc. Some partners of sex addicts fit these criteria. But most partners had no idea their spouse was a sex addict for many years. They may have sensed something was not right, but had no way to prove what it was. Sex addiction is arguably the easiest addiction to hide and addicts are very good liars and manipulators. You shouldn’t be told something is wrong with you because you didn’t know.

3. Check out the website www.partnertraumaspecialists.org. This is the website for the fairly new organization, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS), of which I am a board member. At this time there are only a small number of counselors listed here. However, we have our first training coming up in June 2013, which will provide in depth training to therapists and coaches on treating partners from the sex addiction-induced trauma model. Trainings will be offered all over the country at least twice a year. As counselors complete the training and the required supervision hours to become certified in treating partners, their names will be added to the website.

4. Don’t be afraid to educate your therapist. Ask them to read the aforementioned book. Plead with them to participate in the APSATS training. They can read all about it on the website mentioned above and register there as well. The next training date is set for November 5, 2014, in Fairfax, Virginia/Washington D.C. This certification will not only give them the ability to offer partners of sex addicts better treatment, but it will make them highly marketable.

Since the release of the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, co-authored by Dr. Barbara Steffens, president of APSATS, partners have been desperate to find professionals who work from this model. Emails are pouring in asking for referrals to therapists who have been trained by APSATS. Once a therapist or life coach receives the certification their name and information will be listed on the APSATS website. Please help spread the word about this training. All are welcome to attend, even if they are not a clinician. Pastors and others in the ministry, as well as other helping professionals, will benefit as well. APSATS is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction- induced trauma.

5. If your husband is in recovery and you both want to stay married, ask if they support simultaneous couple’s and individual counseling. Many will say that you should both focus only on yourselves for the first several months or more and then deal with the marriage. In some cases, such as when the addict is very resistant to treatment or when he is abusive, this might be the best course of action. But most of the time, when an addict is highly motivated for recovery, you both will greatly benefit from marriage counseling which focuses on the effects of the sex addiction on the marriage. Addicts should be taught how to empathize and support his traumatized wife. Couples need guidance in how to interact with each other, set boundaries, and handle triggers early in recovery.

6. Ask the counselor what their opinion is on clinical disclosure. Sometimes referred to as therapeutic disclosure, full disclosure, or healthy disclosure, this is a crucial component in recovery for both the partner and the addict and for the marriage. Ask the therapist when they think clinical disclosure should be done, how much detail their disclosure includes, if you will be allowed to ask whatever questions you want, and if a polygraph test will be included. Ideally, for the couple who is working to save their marriage, clinical disclosure should be done very early in recovery (within one to three months).

Secrets fuel the addiction and prevent healing for the partner. After all, how can you heal when you don’t know exactly what you need to heal from? Addicts will almost always continue to lie about past behaviors, even while in recovery, while promising you that you know everything, without a full clinical disclosure (therapist guided) with polygraph to motivate them to be completely honest. With some guidance from your therapist, you should be allowed to ask whatever questions you like during the disclosure. Important caveat: Your primary therapist does not have to be the one to do your disclosure. Many good sex addiction therapists don’t have training in clinical disclosure (ask this), don’t understand how to conduct a partner-friendly disclosure, or don’t use polygraph. Read on to learn about other options for disclosure.

7. If you find yourself hitting a lot of road blocks, consider phone or Skype counseling or coaching sessions with a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) or a Certified Partner Specialist (APSATS -CPS). Check out www.journeytohealingandjoy.com,www.comfortchristiancounseling.com, http://apsats.org/and www.safepassagescounseling.com. These are a few places you can go to that offer phone or Skype counseling/coaching sessions and/or support group that supports the trauma model and will not label you a co-sex addict. Consider a partner-sensitive couple’s intensive therapy series, such as the one I offer. The sessions will include a full clinical disclosure with polygraph and place an emphasis on teaching the addict how to support his hurting wife while giving you both tools on how to move forward individually and together. Couples travel from all over the country to participate in the intensive sessions where they can get the equivalent of 25-30 hours of therapy in 3 days. I will help you find a counselor to follow up with in your area after the intensive or communicate with the counselor you already have before, during, and after the intensive so everyone is on the same page.

No therapist is perfect, but hopefully this information will help you find the perfect therapist for you. If you want to stay in your marriage and your husband is willing to get treatment for his sexual addiction, and consider a couple’s intensive as soon as possible.

This guest post is written by Ella Hutchinson, LPC, CCSAS. You may contact Ella at: ella@wifeofasexaddict.com, if you are in Katy and Houston, TX, call 832.693.7916 or go to the web sites to learn more: www.comfortchristiancounseling.com or www.wifeofasexaddict.com.