Category Archives: Sex Addiction

I’m a guy, can I be a love addict?

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Melissa Killeen

“Seeing her in the afternoon was like being in heaven,
it took away all of my worries”“This is the only woman who has ever understood me.”

“She is the woman I have dreamed of being with my whole life.”

“She will fix me.”

You are a guy—can you be a love addict? There are many men who have thought these thoughts. There are many men who are dedicated to their wives, yet, seek love in the arms of other women. There are other men who do, do, do for their wives and their families without ever considering their own needs. It is very hard for a man to admit he is a love addict. But there are many men in the 12-step rooms of Love Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous that recognize they have a behavioral addiction: love addiction.

People fall into love addiction because the behavior is transformative. In this case, feelings of love, romance and fantasy are a “fix” or a sedative for the negative feelings of anxiety, despair, self-doubt, rage, fear of abandonment, etc. The problem is that the fix doesn’t last. Just like any sedative, it wears off.

All healthy relationships transverse from euphoria to loving. Along that trail you receive the knowledge that your partner is a separate person with faults as well as gifts. You don’t feel rebuffed by your lover, for being you. You know she loves you, warts and all. Or does she? Love addiction is built on relationships that form heightened feelings of anxiety instead of feelings of safety and nurturing. Have you ever felt your relationship has moved from feelings of euphoria to feelings of doubt, depression or anxiety in a nanosecond? A love addict will often think “I love you, but, please stop hurting me.” I say think, because very often these thoughts are stuffed down and never verbalized after the first or second comments were met with a disdainful response. The love addict will deny reality, search for a flicker of the early magic, and tolerate anything in order to obtain a sense of security from their partner. But that sense of security rarely is obtained.

The love addict’s dependency on another person is characterized as maintaining the connection, approval or fantasized attachment to the other person. Occasionally, the term fantasy addict is heard in the “S” rooms. How often has a love addict, hurt and emotionally abused by their wife or girlfriend, retreated into the computer fantasy world of porn to seek what they are really looking for in their relationship? The love addict can live in the non-reality or fantasy that their lives are working, because they have the outward trappings of success (the house, clothes, cars, kids doing well). The denial of reality for the love addict is based on their fear of being abandoned, so the love addict makes up in his head that his miserable, love-less life is a small sacrifice as compared to him being alone.

Accepting crumbs

One of the greatest losses a male love addict experiences is his loss of self. The constant acting out in an unhealthy relationship results in an increasingly devalued view of self by the love addict, and an increasing idealized version of his love interest. There is an increased need to depend on the wife, partner, boss or friend as the stakes get higher. It is, at times, as if reality has become obscured. A businessman complains:

“I think she is trying to trick me to slip up, so she can leave me.”

“I will lie to avoid conflict.”

“I can last a year on just one compliment.”

The ability to trust is absent in addictive relationships. The pattern of these relationships involves more and more dependence, less and less fulfillment and many negative consequences that can border on abuse. The cost of being a love addict can affect any part of a man’s life, all of his relationships, family as well as in his career.

If a love addict actually loses his “fix,” he suffers not only psychological devastation; but a physical feeling of withdrawal which could include sleeplessness, eating difficulties, disorientation, sweating, cramps, anxiety, and nausea.

Can I recover?

It is often from these intense feelings of withdrawal that recovery begins. It begins with the end of denial and the recognition that these feelings could be an addiction. Withdrawal involves the wish to change, even when that wish comes from loss and pain. Recovery is not about finding another person or reclaiming your former lover, but about reclaiming yourself. Recovery from love addiction most often necessitates seeking professional help to regulate your feelings, grow your acceptance of self, improve your self-esteem, heal your past wounds, to look at your dependency issues and to forgive yourself.

You might want to consider attending a 12-step mutual support group such as:

http://www.loveaddicts.org/

http://www.slaafws.org

http://coda.org/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) web site. SASH is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals

 

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Healthy Dating Guidelines — Part Two

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Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I often see that many of my clients have difficulties negotiating new relationships. In the 12-step rooms of the sex and love addictions, members write their healthy dating guidelines when they are entering a new relationship. They review their dating guidelines and make a commitment to their sponsor to follow these guidelines, before the first date. The following dating guidelines can be used by young adults, people that are separated or divorced, and for those who have been single for decades. Last week’s post focused on selecting the characteristics one wants in a potential date, the first date guidelines and first date deal-breakers. Feel free to circle the things that you embrace as your healthy dating guidelines and leave the rest. This week’s post covers the dating guidelines for the first month and on through to the sixth month. These guidelines are specific to circumstances that may occur during the courtship period. These suggestions will help anyone avoid the common pitfalls faced by those who are trying to win the heart of another. 

Beginning of the relationship, guidelines for the first month

  • I will be meeting in a public place for the first 3 dates
  • I will not make up in my head that he/she is the “one.” Time is the determining factor of a solid relationship.
  • I will limit the amount of fantasy or daydreaming I have about this person.
  • I limit my electronic transmission and media use, because it is a gateway behavior to fantasizing and intimacy avoidance
    • I will limit my contact by phone, to one 30-minute conversation every other day
    • I will limit my contact by email to two emails a day
    • I will limit my text to four texts a day
    • I do not track this person on their dating sites or social network sites
    • All phone calls, emails and texts will be non-sexual and not intriguing
    • I will not stare at my phone expecting an instant reply or call back
  • I will limit the dates to this person to one date every other week for the first two months
  • I limit the amount of money I spend on a man/woman for dinner, vacations. clothes, gifts
  • I will not use money spent as an expectation of some form of reciprocation
  • I will not expect a man to purchase dinner, parking or movies every time we date
  • I will not kiss this person on the first date
  • I will not be involved with any form of sexual touching on the first date
  • I will place appropriate guidelines on when I will kiss or erotically touch this person, e.g. third date to kiss or two months of dating the person before I erotically touch
  • I will place appropriate boundaries with this person regarding my personal time. No phone calls/dates/interactions with this person that will interfere with me getting to work, doing my work, going to church, fixing my family’s meals, getting a good night’s sleep or any other prearranged time with my children, their school related activities, my friends, therapy or 12-step meetings.

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Healthy Dating Guidelines – Part One

melissa-new-post

Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I often see that many of my clients have difficulties negotiating new relationships. In the 12 step rooms’ of the sex and love addictions, members write their healthy dating guidelines when they are entering a new relationship. They review their dating guidelines and commit to following these guidelines to their sponsor, before the first date. The following dating guidelines can be used by young adults, people that are separated or divorced, and for those who have been single for decades. This first blog focuses on selecting the characteristics you want in a potential date, the first date guidelines and first date deal breakers. Next week’s blog will cover the dating guidelines for the first month through the sixth month. These guidelines are specific to circumstances that may occur during the courtship period. Hopefully, these suggestions will help anyone avoid the common pitfalls faced by those who are trying to win the heart of another.  Feel free to circle the items that you embrace as your healthy dating guidelines. Write in what you think you need to have for a healthy dating experience. And you can leave any item that does not apply to you.

Characteristics I Want in a Potential Date:

My potential dating prospect should be (circle as many that apply)

  • Single
  • Divorced
  • Separated
  • Straight
  • Gay/Lesbian
  • Transgender

 

  • Have children
  • Have no children
  • Available for a committed relationship
  • Wanting to marry
  • Only want to date

 

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