Category Archives: relationships

What Is Sex Addiction?

Posted on February 23, 2023 by Melissa Killeen

If you’re a sex addict, you’re dealing with an escalating, obsessive preoccupation with sexual fantasy and behaviors. As a result, you’ve damaged your romantic relationships, career, education, friendships, finances, and other life priorities. Most likely, you use the intensity of sexual fantasy and behaviors to escape (to avoid feeling) emotional discomfort – stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, shame, boredom, and the like.

Are you obsessively preoccupied with sex?

Have you tried and failed to cut back or quit your involvement with porn, hookup apps, strip clubs, prostitution, affairs, compulsive masturbation, voyeurism, or similar behaviors?

Are you experiencing negative consequences related to your out-of-control sex life?

If you think you or a loved one may be struggling with sex addiction, we suggest you take this anonymous 25-question screening test:

Sex and Porn Addiction Self-Test.

This Sex and Porn Addiction Self-Test is a preliminary assessment tool. Your answers to the questions in this short quiz can help you, in conjunction with a licensed psychotherapist, identify issues that you may have with sex or porn addiction. Answer each question by circling the appropriate response- “yes” or “no” .

1. Do you feel overly distracted by, obsessed with, or preoccupied by your sexual fantasies and behavior?

Yes

2. Do you ever have trouble stopping your sexual behavior, even when you have more important things to do?

Yes

3. After having sex (with self or others), do you sometimes feel depressed or regret it?

Yes

4. Have you made promises to yourself or another person to change aspects of your sexual behavior, only to break those promises later?

Yes

5. Did you experience abuse, neglect, or other serious trauma as a child or adolescent?

Yes

6. Do you look forward to events with family and/or friends being over so you can engage in sexual behavior?

Yes

7. Do you have trouble maintaining relationships once the sexual newness and intensity has worn off?

Yes

8. Have you ever kept secrets or lied about money and/or time spent on sex, porn, affairs, and similar behavior?

Yes

9. Do you sometimes regret the amount of time you spend with porn, webcams, hookup apps, and other forms of tech-driven sexual behavior?

Yes

10. Does your sexual behavior, real-world or online, interfere with your personal goals or create negative consequences in your work, community, or academic life?

Yes

11. Have your family, friends, or partner(s) ever worried or complained about your sexual behavior?

Yes

12. Does your sexual behavior potentially offend others, violate community standards, or place you in danger of arrest?

Yes

13. Do you ever find yourself “lost” in sexual fantasies and behavior as a way of coping with stress, boredom, loneliness, or other forms of emotional discomfort?

Yes

14. Do you keep certain elements of your sexual behavior hidden from partners and/or friends?

Yes

15. Do you believe that porn use, casual sex, and similar behavior may have kept you from creating and maintaining a successful long-term intimate relationship?

Yes

16. Have you repeatedly engaged in unsafe or “risky” sex?

Yes

17. Have you had certain kinds of sex (alone or with a partner) that you later regretted?

Yes

18. Does your sexual behavior ever leave you worried about or at risk of contracting or sharing sexually transmitted diseases?

Yes

19. Do you find yourself feeling restless, irritable, or discontented when you are unable to engage in certain sexual fantasies and activities?

Yes

20. Has your involvement with porn, hookup apps, sex/dating websites, and other online sexual environments become greater than your intimate contact with romantic partners?

Yes

21. Has anyone ever been hurt by lies and secrets related to your sexual behavior?

Yes

22. Do you ever feel compelled to seek out porn, hookups, and other forms of sexual activity, online or real world, even though you are trying to stop these behaviors?

Yes

23. Has the nature and/or intensity of your sexual fantasies and behavior escalated over time?

Yes

24. Do you find that you spend more time with sexual fantasies and behavior than you would like?

Yes

25. Have you ever been approached by the police, arrested, or charged with a crime related to your sexual behavior?

Yes

Scoring-

An overwhelming percentage of positive answers is an indication you should be discussing your behavior with a therapist. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT after their name) or a Certified Christian Sex Addiction Specialist is trained and qualified to treat individuals with compulsive sexual disorders and trauma resulting from sexual abuse.

Perhaps you are a concerned significant other, spouse or relative of a sex addict. You also have clinical professionals trained to assist you in your healing journey. Certified Clinical Partner Specialists (CCPS after the professional’s name) or a member of the Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) have been trained in the treatment of partners of sex addicts. When seeking a clinical professional knowledgeable in sex addiction, ask questions about the training of the psychotherapist or other helping professional. Substance addiction training does not qualify a clinical professional to treat a compulsive sexual disorder.

An affirmative answer to question #12 or #25, regarding illegal sexual behavior, is always a problem. If you answered yes to either of these questions, learn about the mandated reporting laws in your state before speaking to a professional about your challenges. Then , you should seek confidential advice from a licensed professional skilled in handling the disclosure of illegal compulsive sexual actions. Be aware that psychotherapists and other helping professionals (including clerics and lawyers) may have reporting requirements (that can vary from state to state) related to illegal sexual behaviors. Please learn about the reporting laws in your state before speaking to a professional in detail about your challenges.

If you have attempted stopping this behavior on your own but have been unsuccessful and you think you need a break and focus on more concentrated help, look into an inpatient residential program for sex addiction. The Meadows- Gentle Path, Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services, Keystone ECU, Seeking Integrity, and Blue Tiger Recovery are inpatient residential programs with excellent reputations.

To ask Seeking Integrity About Treatment, Call (747) 234-HEAL (4325)

Posted in Family Dynamics, internet addiction disorder, love addiction, mental health, pornography addiction, Recovery Coaching, relationships, Sex Addiction, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Every Narcissist needs a Codependent Love Addict

Posted on September 19, 2021 by Melissa Killeen

“The most common toxic relationship is between the codependent love addict and the narcissist love addict. Opposites attract and love addicts are vulnerable to charming people.” -Author, therapist and founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, Susan Peabody.

Narcissism is a personality disorder. It stems from childhood abuse. When these abused children are young, they decide that the world, and the people in it, are bad and they are the only ones that are good. These thoughts result in a distorted view of themselves. They are the ones that are perfect, and they should be catered to. They lack compassion for others because everyone else is ‘less than or wrong. In general, narcissists are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship because they have to be in control at all times.

But really, a narcissist has to be in control because they experienced the trauma of not being in control, being abused, abandoned, or made to feel ‘less than’ at a young age. In order to feel they are not being abandoned, abused, thwarted, or hurt they have chosen to put on false bravado, to dominate, and/or exhibit righteousness to protect their damaged “inner child” from being seen.

These narcissistic behaviors hide the fact there is a hurt child and in its place is this thoroughly in control adult-child, which is what the young child assumes their parent wants and will love. This becomes a belief of “You will love me because I am in control.” This behavior finds a home in any gender; male or female, non-binary, trans, or any sexual preference; heterosexual, gay, bisexual, and in any type of relationship; collegial, familiar, or intimate.

If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a narcissist’s need for control and self-centeredness. If you make an error, they will be critical and unsympathetic. A narcissist will never forget a past mistake. They hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.

Narcissists are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to impress people is amazing. They appear confident, exciting and are a “match made in heaven”. Love addicts fall for narcissists and bond with them. Narcissists are so good at their craft, that when their true colors emerge, they manipulate their codependent love addict partner to ensure they will not abandon them.

A codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist

It is as if the narcissist and codependent love addict are fighting for the same thing. The codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist. Early abandonment of a child places that kid into a very harsh environment, forcing them to figure out a way to survive. They hate the fact they were abandoned but believe that they can endure, and if they work hard enough, to prove their worth, their parent (or love interest) will not abandon them, thus ensuring abandonment will never happen to them again. This becomes a belief of” You will love me because I will do for you before I do for myself.”A codependent love addict adult emerges from this traumatic early childhood experience.

Narcissists and codependent love addicts are trauma survivors

Both narcissists and codependent love addicts are survivors. A narcissist will overwork in order to get what they need to survive. A codependent will scrape and do without in order for their offspring and family to survive. Both of these behavioral types excel in sales, in service positions, or dealing with the public. If they need more money than a 9-5 career can provide, they overwork. We will find them at a grocery store stocking shelves at midnight or selling craft goods on Etsy. The narcissist will make demands to the codependent to do ‘more for me’ or ‘love me more.’

The codependent love addicts are constantly fulfilling their role as the primary enabler for their narcissists. A consummate “make doer”, the codependent is unable to speak up for themselves, selling themselves short in order to avoid the pain of conflict with their loved one. Both are strong and resilient, yet mute to the need for resolution of the inner turmoil surrounding their early, adverse childhood traumas.

You might want to consider attending a 12 step mutual support group such as:

http://www.loveaddicts.org/

http://www.slaafws.org

http://coda.org/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

For training and to find a professional with counseling experience in trauma, and love addiction consider the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) which is a resource for therapists specializing in the areas of sex addiction recovery and trauma.

Other good books and resources are:

We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes: Hope, Inspiration, and Healing for Men Living with Addicted People by Ken P, Bob T

Codependents No More- Codependents’ Guide: Heal Yourself After a Toxic Relationship, Overcome Jealousy, Possessiveness, Anxiety, and Boost your Self-Esteem

Codependent Mother: Codependency Cycle Recovery for a Daughter. No more Toxic Emotional Abuse in Family Relationships. A Guide to Cure Afflictions and Healing your Self-Esteem by Dana Jackson

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation by Melody Beattie

Posted in Addiction, love addiction, Recovery Coaching, relationships, Sex Addiction | Tagged adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families, https://iitap.com/, narcissist, robertweiss.com, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, sexhelp.com, Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, Susan Peabody, we codependent men, www.slaafws.oom | Comments Off

Beautiful Boy

Posted on July 2, 2018 by Melissa Killeen

Amazon’s newest movie release based on the best-selling pair of memoirs from father and son David and Nic Sheff, Beautiful Boy chronicles the heartbreaking and inspiring experience of survival, relapse, and recovery in a family coping with addiction over many years. Starring Steve Carell, Timothée Chalamet, Maura Tierney and Amy Ryan. In select theaters October 12.

Posted in Addiction, Addiction Recovery Posts, alcohol, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Family Dynamics, Opioid addiction, Parents, Recovery Coaching, Relapse, relationships, Sponsor | Tagged Beautiful Boy, David Sheff, Nic Sheff, Steve Carell, Timothee Chalamet | Comments Off