Category Archives: Recovery Coaching

I am most vulnerable when I am naked

Posted on July 29, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I approach my clients as a peer, as someone who has suffered the slings and arrows of addiction and emerged into a life of recovery, and sober from drugs, alcohol and some behavioral addictions. As a peer I have the experiential knowledge to help my clients walk the pathway to recovery.

However, there are some clients, I cannot seek to help. These clients are the ones that identify as having eating disorders. That is because, (I have to be truthful here) I struggle with disordered eating. I am an overeater. Carbohydrates, dairy and processed sugars are my heroin and I have not overcome this addiction.

I also spent my formative years, from age one until well into my thirties, in the grips of body dysmorphia. In Wikipedia, body dysmorphia is defined as Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), also known dysmorphic syndrome, a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one’s own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it. I saw myself as a fat person. When I looked in the mirror I saw a person three or more dress sizes larger than I really was. I thought I was fat, when all along I was a person with a normal sized body.

What’s Underneath Project

This blog post will not go into my years of body dysmorphia, but rather on a recent awakening: how to accept me as I am. Just last week, I was viewing a www.thefix.com article on Tallulah Willis, Bruce Willis’ and Demi Moore’s daughter and her recent stay in a treatment center. There was a link to a video of Tallulah that I clicked on. I was introduced to a whole new way of seeing myself, through the “What’s Underneath Project.”

Seven years ago, Elisa Goodkind, a veteran fashion stylist, and her daughter, Lily Mandelbaum, a former film student, created StyleLikeU as an alternative to the fashion culture’s crippling status quo. Launched in 2009, StyleLikeU is home to a series of intimate video portraits that redefine our culture’s notion of beauty, called the What’s Underneath Project. These simple videos, show unapologetic individuals who are true to themselves in both their style and in their lives. Individuals, gay, straight, recovering from breast cancer or transitioning to their true gender, exude confidence in their own skin. And the viewers are empowered to discover that this same sense of confidence and beauty can be their own.

As I was browsing through the videos, and I clicked on Olivia Campbell’s (a well-known British plus style model) video. I cried when I listened to her journey through bullying and sexual abuse. I came to the realization that I am still beautiful, even though I am over sixty, thanks to Jacky O’Shaughnessy’s video. I was transfixed that her story, was exactly my story, one of poor body image and how it affects my relationships. Jacky’s statement that she feels the most vulnerable when she is naked in front of a man, and she feels the most beautiful when she is naked in front of a man, was so honest. Because underneath it all, I felt the same thing.

A Viral Phenomenon

The What’s Underneath Project strips everyday people and celebrities down to their bra and panties to open them up, exploring the power of genuine self-acceptance as they undress. Since its launch in 2014, the response has been monumental. The videos went viral, and have received over 9 million YouTube hits, international press, while fan mail floods in from people wanting to help, donate funds and participate. The What’s Underneath Project has produced 70 plus videos, ranging from 5 to 15 minutes in length, and has posted them on YouTube.

In November 2014, the What’s Underneath Project launched a Kickstarter campaign to support the production of a documentary film that will capture this viral video series. The campaign was a wild success and in just 18 days, exceeded the initial goal of $100k. By the end of the month-long campaign, the What’s Underneath Project raised a total of $135,655. The upcoming documentary film is in production and the What’s Underneath Project documentary film will be released in the Spring of 2017.

The What’s Underneath Project is on the road to becoming a global movement for self-acceptance.

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The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher, Scammer, Scallawag or Con-Part 2

Posted on July 7, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

20150609_223702 (2)Are you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

I recently returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this blog post, to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers or scammers.

I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers. The good news is that you can protect yourself by learning how to spot a phony while dating online. Tyler Cohen Wood is an expert in social media and cyber issues. She is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book — Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life, and has outlined these indicators that the person you are speaking to online, may be a catfisher.

  1. What if this person won’t video chat?

Using SKYPE, FaceTime, Google Hangouts or even SnapChat with a person whom you meet online is normal practice in online dating. If a person makes excuses every time you want to SKYPE, consider it a red flag. Be concerned if the area code of their cell number is a not listed in the domestic list of area codes or they cannot come up with a good reason they have such a number. Areas codes that start with 473, 809, 284, 649, 654 and 876 are international, and are known to have been used for scams. Also be aware if there is a very bad connection every time you speak to them (such as a poor international connection) or no voicemail is attached to the number. This person is hiding something that they don’t want you to know.

2. What happens when you Google them?

Almost everyone in the United States has some sort of Internet presence. It is very rare that someone would have none at all. If you do basic research, such as conducting a search using a portal like www.WhitePages.com, www.Spokeo.com, or by looking through social media sites, and can’t find anything about this person, that is also a red flag. Most professionals will at least have a LinkedIn page. If you cannot find anything on the Internet about a person, they might not be telling you their real name, which again, is a red flag. However, anyone can very easily create a fake LinkedIn or Facebook page, so be cautious.

  1. Check public records.

Do some reconnaissance by using search engines to find public records- www.intelius.com, or www.publicrecords.searchsystems.net. If a person says they own a house, you will be able to easily see where it is and how long they have lived there. You can also find legal documents like bankruptcy filings, divorce records and death records.

  1. Do they send real time photos of themselves?

When people are communicating online, they will frequently send each other selfies, in real time. During a conversation, ask to see a photo of the person right then. If they refuse, or make some excuse, again, another red flag. If they have only sent you one or two photos, it is likely that they took those photos from someone else’s Facebook page or from somewhere else on the Internet. Don’t be fooled by photos of kids, or the snap of a potential romantic interest with his elderly Mom. We all post photos of our family members on our Facebook page! Do a reverse image Google search — right-click on their photos, copy the URL, and paste in the box at images.google.com. Google will then search for other sources of that image online.

  1. How many “real” friends and work colleagues are on this person’s social media sites? How many people communicate with this catfisher?

You can get to know a lot about a person’s friends and family based on the banter they engage in on social media. How many posts are started by the potential catfisher? How many responses? Does the person seem to have real friends who carry on real conversations? Do they tag their photographs? On LinkedIn, do they have colleagues who have endorsed them? Contact a few friends for a reference check.

  1. Do they deflect or never answer your questions when you ask detailed, specific questions?

Do they avoid answering your probing questions? Do you find that they deflect from your original question and the subject changes? Do you stop probing as a result? These too are warning signs. If you feel as if you are the only one sharing information and they are not giving away any details, consider this, yep, a red flag.

Next week I will continue with Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that you are talking to a predator on line and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself.

 

 

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The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher, Scammer, Scalawag or Con

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Melissa Killeen

20150609_223702 (2)Are you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scalawag or a con?

How Monica Draper, a 55-year-old, Ontario-based graphic designer lost $100,000 is not unheard of. How could she fall in love with a notorious, online Lothario, who had an outstanding warrant out for his arrest? Monica accepts that her money is gone. But she is still amazed that the fellow she met on the dating website, Plenty of Fish, was able to so easily abscond with her money, as well as the life savings of at least a half-dozen other women. The truth is she was “catfished.”

A catfisher is the new name coined to describe a bottom-dwelling human who spends a great deal of time on the Internet in various locations like online dating sites, LinkedIn and Facebook, luring people into romances and then stealing their money. A catfisher uses fake pictures, bogus profiles and cunning manipulation, drawing their victims into a state of trust through infatuation. Often the victim has low self-esteem and insecurity with their image and when a person online appears to be interested in them, bingo, a match is made! The victim falls hard for this Romeo, who they deem out of their league. In truth, the seducer is faking it. And is running this con on other people, as well. In short, a catfisher is a scammer. The prevalence of online dating predators grows more copious every day.

According to research, 4,288,595 people per month use Match.com, and visit the site a total of 26,200,000 times a month. The total Match.com membership is 15 million people. The total eHarmony membership is 20 million lonely hearts.

Comparing that to the total number of single people in the United States, which is 54 million, it is not possible that half the single U.S. population has membership in an online dating site! Especially when the trade journal, Online Dating Magazine, estimates that there are more than 2,500 online dating services in the U.S., alone, with 1,000 new online dating services opening every year. Some estimates say there are 8,000 competitors worldwide. That means many people join three or more dating sites.

On the free dating sites, at least 10 percent of new accounts are from scammers, says Marketdata Enterprise, Inc. Interested in catfishing, anyone?

Dinner for Six, a matchmaking service in Denver, Colorado, says that 51 percent of online dating members are putting themselves out there as being single, when, in fact, they are in some kind of relationship. According to MSNBC, research shows that 11 percent of people using online dating services are married.

More than 53 percent of Americans fabricate parts, or all of their dating profile details, according to the Huffington Post. Some lies are so blatant, like weight or height, that their dates can spot the untruths in the first few seconds of meeting them. In fact, a third of those surveyed said falsified information is so prevalent, that it prevents them from going on a second date.

More than 40 percent of men try to swoon women by lying about their jobs, trying to make their careers sound more prestigious. It makes sense that every woman wants a guy with a great job, for example a guy in the entertainment industry is more interesting than someone selling tickets at the local movie theater. eHarmony mentions that a study found men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 received 156 percent more email than those declaring an income of $50,000. That’s 156 percent more gold-diggers! So guys, think twice about whether you want to post your personal income.

In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers.” The reporting victims lost over fifty million dollars. But it’s suspected that these numbers are much less than actual, as many people are too embarrassed to come forward.

In 2005 alone, 25 percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Let me repeat that: twenty-five percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Each year Internet predators commit more than 16,000 abductions, 100 murders and thousands of rapes, according to InternetPredatorStat.homestead.com.

I personally returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this post — to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers.

Next week I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers.

 

 

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