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Melissa Killeen Presents Workshop at Association of Recovery Community Organizations (ARCO) Meeting
Posted in Recovery Coaching
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I’m a guy, can I be a love addict?
“Seeing her in the afternoon was like being in heaven,
it took away all of my worries”“This is the only woman who has ever understood me.”“She is the woman I have dreamed of being with my whole life.”
“She will fix me.”
You are a guy—can you be a love addict? There are many men who have thought these thoughts. There are many men who are dedicated to their wives, yet, seek love in the arms of other women. There are other men who do, do, do for their wives and their families without ever considering their own needs. It is very hard for a man to admit he is a love addict. But there are many men in the 12-step rooms of Love Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous that recognize they have a behavioral addiction: love addiction.
People fall into love addiction because the behavior is transformative. In this case, feelings of love, romance and fantasy are a “fix” or a sedative for the negative feelings of anxiety, despair, self-doubt, rage, fear of abandonment, etc. The problem is that the fix doesn’t last. Just like any sedative, it wears off.
All healthy relationships transverse from euphoria to loving. Along that trail you receive the knowledge that your partner is a separate person with faults as well as gifts. You don’t feel rebuffed by your lover, for being you. You know she loves you, warts and all. Or does she? Love addiction is built on relationships that form heightened feelings of anxiety instead of feelings of safety and nurturing. Have you ever felt your relationship has moved from feelings of euphoria to feelings of doubt, depression or anxiety in a nanosecond? A love addict will often think “I love you, but, please stop hurting me.” I say think, because very often these thoughts are stuffed down and never verbalized after the first or second comments were met with a disdainful response. The love addict will deny reality, search for a flicker of the early magic, and tolerate anything in order to obtain a sense of security from their partner. But that sense of security rarely is obtained.
The love addict’s dependency on another person is characterized as maintaining the connection, approval or fantasized attachment to the other person. Occasionally, the term fantasy addict is heard in the “S” rooms. How often has a love addict, hurt and emotionally abused by their wife or girlfriend, retreated into the computer fantasy world of porn to seek what they are really looking for in their relationship? The love addict can live in the non-reality or fantasy that their lives are working, because they have the outward trappings of success (the house, clothes, cars, kids doing well). The denial of reality for the love addict is based on their fear of being abandoned, so the love addict makes up in his head that his miserable, love-less life is a small sacrifice as compared to him being alone.
Accepting crumbs
One of the greatest losses a male love addict experiences is his loss of self. The constant acting out in an unhealthy relationship results in an increasingly devalued view of self by the love addict, and an increasing idealized version of his love interest. There is an increased need to depend on the wife, partner, boss or friend as the stakes get higher. It is, at times, as if reality has become obscured. A businessman complains:
“I think she is trying to trick me to slip up, so she can leave me.”
“I will lie to avoid conflict.”
“I can last a year on just one compliment.”
The ability to trust is absent in addictive relationships. The pattern of these relationships involves more and more dependence, less and less fulfillment and many negative consequences that can border on abuse. The cost of being a love addict can affect any part of a man’s life, all of his relationships, family as well as in his career.
If a love addict actually loses his “fix,” he suffers not only psychological devastation; but a physical feeling of withdrawal which could include sleeplessness, eating difficulties, disorientation, sweating, cramps, anxiety, and nausea.
Can I recover?
It is often from these intense feelings of withdrawal that recovery begins. It begins with the end of denial and the recognition that these feelings could be an addiction. Withdrawal involves the wish to change, even when that wish comes from loss and pain. Recovery is not about finding another person or reclaiming your former lover, but about reclaiming yourself. Recovery from love addiction most often necessitates seeking professional help to regulate your feelings, grow your acceptance of self, improve your self-esteem, heal your past wounds, to look at your dependency issues and to forgive yourself.
You might want to consider attending a 12-step mutual support group such as:
To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) web site. SASH is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.
http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals
Posted in love addiction, Pornography, Recovery Coaching, Sex Addiction
Tagged ACOA, adult children of alcoholics, CODA, Codependants Anonymous, love addict, Love Addicts Anonymous, SASH, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, SLAA, Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
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Bob Timmins – A Titan in the World of Recovery Coaching.
Bob Timmins, an addiction specialist who is credited with salvaging the lives of a long list of celebrity drug users by steering them onto the path of sobriety and helping them stay there, died of respiratory failure in 2008 at his home in Marina del Rey after battling years of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He was 61 [i]. Though little known by the public at large, Timmins was a titan in the world of recovery coaching.
Some of his clients — members of the bands Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mötley Crüe and Aerosmith — have spoken publicly about Timmins’ role in helping them battle drug abuse. But most celebrities preferred anonymity, a request Timmins took pride in honoring. “Bob has helped everyone from the owners of sports franchises to heads of movie studios to Grammy-winning, internationally known music idols . . . as well as the most down and out homeless person who comes to him for help,” said Michael Nasatir, a friend, and a criminal defense attorney in Santa Monica, who worked with Timmins early in his career.
What Timmins knew about drug abuse, recovery and redemption was learned from experience
Robert Wayne Timmins was born in Los Angeles on Sept. 27, 1946, the son of a police officer. His mother suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and when Bob was 9 years old, she attempted to murder him. Timmins was placed in foster care, by ninth grade he lived on the streets, was a heroin junky, and as a convicted felon, he spent time in San Quentin. It was in San Quentin that Timmins met Danny Trejo, they were cell mates and prison gang members. These two were familiar with all forms of prison violence. Yet, it was Trejo that introduced Bob to the 12 step rooms. When Trejo left San Quentin, he told Timmins to look him up after his release. Four years later, expecting to start-up exactly where he had left off before entering San Quentin, Timmins showed up at Trejo’s doorstep. Danny Trejo took him to his house, and offered him a spare bedroom to stay in. When Timmins said “Come on, let’s do some things…” in response, Trejo took him to a 12-step meeting. Trejo introduced him to Eddie, his first sponsor, and the rest, let’s say is history. Bob Timmins credits Trejo and Eddie, with turning his life around. Eddie was Timmins’ sponsor until Eddie died with 47 years of sobriety. Timmins said “If I didn’t get a sponsor and jump into recovery, I wasn’t going to stay long enough to get anything” [ii].
In the years that followed, Timmins helped found and was involved with several organizations, including the CLARE Foundation, Cinco Swim Sober Living Home, the recovery centers Impact House and Cri-HELP in Los Angeles as well as the National Association of Drug Court Professionals. Early in his career he began working with troubled youths, including a young Jeff McFarland.
“I met him when he worked at a rehab hospital I was in,” said Jeff McFarland, who is now an attorney. “I was a 19-year-old drug addict and criminal, and he helped me turn things around. He had instant credibility. When you spoke to him, you knew that he had lived the life that you live. And he understood.” Today, McFarland is the chair of The Timmins Foundation [iii]. The Timmins Foundation is a nonprofit organization established in memory of Bob Timmins, whose work changed Jeff McFarland’s and countless other young people’s lives. The Timmins Foundation supports a “Bob Timmins Bed” that provides beds for inpatient treatment or residence at a sober living home for a year to clients that are unable to afford the entire cost on their own. The Timmins Foundation seeks to provide financial support for the early intervention and treatment of substance abuse, which Bob knew could prove to be the difference between a life well-lived and a life wasted. The Foundation goes into the community, seeking out young adults in need of treatment and building a sense of purpose for these young adults in post-treatment recovery [iv].
In courts across the nation, Timmins was an expert witness and a consultant in the development of treatment plans for addiction-related offenders. He assessed drug addicts before they went to trial, he advised them and suggested to the judge to place them into treatment instead of incarceration. Judges and lawyers paid Timmins for his expertise in selecting a proper program for a defendant, “but the amount we paid him was a joke compared to what he did,” said Bernard Kamins, who served as a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge from 1985 to 2007 and worked with Timmins in the California Drug Court system. “Here’s this guy who for $150 would get somebody straightened out. . . . He knew the right places to put people, and he gave them two things: hope and motivation. As a judge I couldn’t do that,” Kamins said. Timmins steered clients to 12-step meetings and helped them find sponsors. But Timmins did more, drawing from the people he knew and had helped in the past, he could put an addict in contact with a youth homeless shelter, admit them into a treatment center at no cost, introduce them to the president of a recording studio or aid in their admission into USC. Timmins was that type of guy.
Working with celebrities did not leave Timmins star-struck
In the entertainment industry, Timmins influenced the way recording labels treat artists by requesting amenities such as “safe harbor rooms”: hospitality suites that are clean of drugs and alcohol. In the entertainment industry, drugs and alcohol were given freely to the artists to stimulate their creativity and as perks for their performance. As a recovering entertainer this was a very dangerous environment to be in, Bob changed this dynamic in the industry. After the 1995 death of Shannon Hoon of the group Blind Melon from a drug overdose, Michael Greene, president and CEO of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences announced the first industry wide symposium on the subject of drugs in rock and asked Bob Timmins to help. Beside “safe harbor rooms” and contractual guidelines that advocate sobriety, the symposium and Grammy.org helped Timmins and Howard Owens start the MusiCares Foundation, and MAP, the Musician’s Assistance Program, which provide assistance to musicians, including those suffering from addiction. MusiCares provides a safety net of critical assistance; services and resources that will cover a wide range of financial, medical and personal emergencies for music people in times of need. MusiCares celebrated 20 years in 2013.
In a 1991 article in GQ magazine; he said “I see them as human beings first. I see them in their pain and try to help them through a suicide attempt or whatever’s going on”[v]. Bob Timmins was one of the most influential foundational thinkers in recovery coaching, developing the concepts of sober companionship, recovery coaching and legal services coaching. Through the years he tirelessly helped rock star, millionaire or skid row addict with the same compassion and conviction, whether he was compensated handsomely or graced with a humble handshake and a thank you. Bob was a milestone in the recovery coaching movement.
Hear Bob Timmin’s AA Story, this is a must hear:
http://timminsfoundation.org/Speech2005b.html
References:
[i] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com
[ii] Christopher Kennedy Lawford “Moments of Clarity: Voices from the Front Lines of Addiction”, Harper Collins NY
[iii] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com
[iv] The Timmins Foundation, 865 S. Figueroa St., 10th Floor, Los Angeles, CA 90017. http://timminsfoundation.wordpress.com/2008/12/20/the-timmins-foundation/
[v] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com
Posted in Addiction, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Recovery Coaching
Tagged Aerosmith, Bob Timmins, Clare Foundation, Danny Trejo, Impact House, Jeff McFarlane, Mötley Crüe, MusiCares Foundation, National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, National Association of Drug Court Professionals, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Timmins Foudation
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