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Addiction to Control

 This week’s Guest Blog is by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. a best-selling author of End the Struggle and Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up When the World Gets You Down. Susan is a sought-after public speaker blogger and has been a guest on many radio and television shows internationally

An old woman, when asked why she was always cheerful, replied: “Well, I wear this world just as a loose garment.” – Unknown

 What a lovely image! What came to me when I first saw this quotation were the words… free, easy, comfortable, soft, flexible, flowing, dancing.

That’s the way we all want to wear life. Most of us, however, wear it like a girdle…tight, hard, rigid, uncomfortable and constricting. How we long to take off that girdle and breathe deeply! How we long to let go of all those things that keep us immersed in struggle instead of flying above the clouds!

Wearing the world as a loose garment means…

  • not hanging on so tightly to the way it’s “supposed” to be;
  • trusting that all is well…that life is happening perfectly;
  • seeing the possibility of love and growth that exists in all experiences;
  • recognizing that the ebb and flow of life can be faced from a place of harmony instead of struggle.

What stops us from wearing the world as a loose garment? When we look for an answer, our tendency is to blame everything on what is “wrong” in our lives and in our world. And usually we can find much to blame.

Thankfully, our consciousness is changing. Many books have been written suggesting our inability to let go and enjoy life has nothing to do with anything out there. It has to do with what is going on inside. We are awakening to the fact that when things are not all right within our external world, something is not all right within our being.

Our inability to let go suggests an addiction to control. Noted author, Ken Keyes in his book, Enjoy Your Life In Spite of It All, describes the symptoms of an addiction:

  • It creates tension in your body;
  • It makes you experience separating emotions such as resentment, anger and fear instead of unifying emotions which give you experiences of acceptance, love and joy;
  • Your mind tells you things must be different in order for you to enjoy life here and now;
  • Your mind makes you think there is something important to win or lose;
  • You feel that you have a “problem” in your life – instead of experiencing life as an enjoyable “game” to be played.

Does all this sound familiar?

The good news is that addictions can be overcome. We don’t have to live a life controlled by our need to control! We can learn how to let go, thus feeling more comfortable, soft, flexible and flowing about life…like wearing the world just as a loose garment.

I believe that all addictions are a function of the LOWER SELF.

  • The Lower Self has been incorrectly educated to think the only way to survive is to be numb to the feelings of others.
  • The Lower Self absorbs the teachings of our society and, as a result, is caught in the treadmill of more-better-best.
  • The Lower Self acts as a frightened parent who does not trust in our ability to handle all the “threats” in our life.
  • The Lower Self has no vision and does not understand that all situations in life, good and bad, can be used as a teaching for our highest good.

Any time there is a sign of a real or imagined external threat, the Lower Self automatically triggers our need to control. The way we handle our addiction to control is to pull away from the fear tactics of our Lower Self and rise to the level of our Higher Self, the “Spiritual” part of who we are. The Higher Self is the dwelling place of all good things such as love, power, creativity, joy, satisfaction, and abundance.

  • The Higher Self knows we have the strength to handle anything that can ever happen to us.
  • The Higher Self doesn’t see the outside world as a threat to our lives; it sees it as a place to learn and grow and contribute.
  • The Higher Self has great vision and can guide us to where we need to go with our lives.
  • The Higher Self knows that all situations in our life can be used as a teaching for our highest good.

Anytime there is a sign of a real or imagined external threat, the Higher Self calms us down and assures us that “all is well.” As a result, we feel no need to control everything and everyone around us. In the realm of the Higher Self, we can say to ourselves… “It’s all happening perfectly. Whatever happens in my life, I’ll handle it!

Given this differentiation, I’m sure you will agree that the key to ending the struggle and dancing with life is to create as many Higher Self moments in your life as you can – despite what is happening in your external world. You will notice how freeing it is to leave your Lower Self behind!

The irony inherent in our attempts to control everyone and everything around us is the fact that very little in the world is controllable. Even when we think we are controlling something or someone out there, our efforts are misplaced. The only thing we can effectively control is our reactions to whatever life hands us. What can be more powerful than that!

When we are in control of our reactions, we can be battered by the world around us and still maintain an inner sense of peace.

I love the story of the monk who was confronted by an angry warrior who said, “Don’t you know who I am? I am someone who can cut off your head and not bat an eye!” The little monk looked him in the eyes and calmly replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I am someone who can have you cut off my head…and not bat an eye!” Now that’s the ultimate in controlling our reactions to whatever life hands us…the ultimate in wearing the world as a loose garment!

Most of us don’t attain the ultimate enlightenment of our fearless monk, but we can still learn many of the principles of inner peace that he demonstrated. We can begin to let go of our addictive demands and flow with the events in our life over which we have little or no control.

Learning the art of letting go is essential to our ending the struggle and dancing with life. We can’t become laughing Buddhas by being compulsive, obsessive, fearful and untrusting. The prison of the Lower Self keeps us from exploring paths that lead to self-fulfillment. Even though we think we are giving ourselves protection by seeking to control everything “out there,” we now know this is simply an illusion.

Applying the “letting go process” to all the difficult areas of your life, you automatically feel lighter and breathe easier. You see that your inner peace has nothing to do with the dramas of your life. When you find your way to your Higher Self, the Buddha inside of you will truly begin to laugh!

Copyright © 2012 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Adapted from End the Struggle and Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up When the World Gets You Down

Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. has helped millions of people throughout the world overcome their fears, heal their relationships, and move forward in life with confidence and love. She is the author of many internationally renowned books including her latest book is The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love, which was published in the UK in May 2005 and in the US and Canada by her own publishing company, Jeffers Press, in October 2005. As well as being a best-selling author, Susan is a sought-after public speaker and has been a guest on many radio and television shows internationally. She lives with her husband, Mark Shelmerdine, in Los Angeles. Susan’s web site is:  http://www.susanjeffers.com/home/bio.cfm  

Email address:  admin@susanjeffers.com

 

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Eating Disorder or Mind Disorder?

This week’s guest blogger is Melissa Costello. Melissa, founder of KarmaChow.com, is a Culinary Nutritionist & Wellness Coach living in Santa Barbara, California. On October 2nd, her first cookbook, The Karma Chow Ultimate Cookbook, will appear at bookstores nationally. She is the co-host of the online cooking and yoga series, Food & Flow produced through YogaMint and host of Beachbody’s Ultimate Reset Cleanse.

I have had a life-long struggle with a mild eating disorder and distorted body image. As I learn more and more about myself and my “not-so-fun” addictive habits and thoughts, what I have come to realize is that I don’t have an eating disorder – I have a mind disorder.

My mind is what creates the obsessive thoughts about food and my body. And in the past, everything my mind told me, I tended to believe. My thighs are too big, my arms are too fat, and my butt is too big. No one will love me if I don’t have the perfect body. If I eat anything with fat in it, it will make me fat. If I eat ANY food, I will get fat. And the banter goes on and on. You can imagine how tiring that could be.

When I was in my 20’s, I had an exponential amount of energy, so I would just obsessively exercise thinking that would solve my “fat” problem. The banter in my mind would still be there, but I would numb it out with exercise or drinking alcohol and partying. Now as I move into my mid 40’s, I find that I want to be gentler on myself, that numbing out is not an option and hasn’t been for a long time.

The other day I was on a hike and there was a couple up in front of me hiking together. The girl was rambling away the whole hike up the mountain, while I silently was behind them huffing and puffing, thinking; “Wow, that girl is in shape. I can barely catch my breath.” I immediately went into judging myself. As I approached the top of the hike, they were there taking a rest. The guy was huffing and puffing just like me and she was still jabbering away! We ended up chatting and hiking down the trail together, and in our conversation I came to learn that she was 26 and loved beer and coffee. I chuckled to myself inside, because I remembered those days vividly when I would treat my body not-so-good and still have a ton of energy to work-out and do life.

As I have been on a spiritual journey, I am listening to my mind less and less and tuning into the voice of my heart. In my heart, there is no such thing as a disorder, or a fat body or any of these other horrendous things my mind likes to make up to trick me. Nothing my mind tells me is real. It only says the things that it knows from when I was a young kid and absorbed any negative comment that I heard from other people as true. As a teen and young adult, my brother would tease me and say I had a big butt. Mind you, I was a thin rail my whole adult life and was never fat, but just by him saying this, I believed I had the biggest butt in the world and that led me to a bout with bulimia (which wasn’t for me), going on the fat free binge, obsessive exercising and wearing long shirts that covered my butt no matter what. For years, I believed these four words, “you have a big butt.” My mind attached onto them like a leech and never did I even consider that it wasn’t true. I’m sure you can relate to that in some other area of your life.

Now what I do to get past these obsessive and untrue thoughts is to observe my mind, talk to it and tell it to be quiet. I know when those old beliefs are running versus when I am truly in my heart. That mind disorder will always be there, but as I connect more to myself, and the Universe, it gets quieter and quieter. The way I do this is to engage in activities that bring me joy, because when I am feeling joy, I am present and when I am present, there is NO WAY I can be listening to the un-serving commentary that goes on in my disordered mind.

I would be lying if I said I was no longer attached to the way I looked and that I didn’t still have these thoughts of a big butt or fat whatever. It’s a process and I know that the more I love myself, honor my body, do the things I enjoy and spend time with people I love, the disorder and my mind have less power over me.

So I ask you…How can you bring peace to a constant mind chatter that may leave you feeling broken, sad, fat, whatever? What has someone told you about yourself that you took on as a truth, even though it was farthest from it?

What can you do to experience joy and freedom for yourself?

Find what you love and do it now, because this is one of the only things that will help you be free if you find that your mind likes to run the show!

 

Melissa Costello, founder of Karma Chow has always had a passion for healthy, delicious food and nutrition. As a Nutritional Educator and Wellness Coach, Melissa works one on one with clients teaching them how to live a happier, healthier life through a plant-based, whole foods diet. On October 1st, her first cook book The Karma Chow Ultimate Cookbook, will appear at bookstores nationally. Melissa has been featured on TV Guide’s, “Secrets of the Hollywood Body”. She is also the co-host of the online cooking and yoga series, Food & Flow produced through YogaMint.com. She teaches cooking classes at local Los Angeles Whole Foods store and private homes across the US.

Check out her website: http://karmachow.com/

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Why Every CEO Needs a Coach

This week’s guest blogger is Ray Williams. This blog was originally published on August 14, 2012  at http://raywilliams.ca/blog/. Ray provides leadership development to executives. He is author of The Leadership Edge, Breaking Bad Habits, and the novel Dragon Tamer, and also writes for Psychology Today, the National Post/Financial Post and Salon.com Ray currently is President of Ray Williams Associates, a company with offices in Vancouver that provides executive mentoring, coaching and leadership training services.

 

The job of a CEO has never been more challenging and rewarding. However, the job can be a lonely one despite the generous compensation, perks and attention. Boards and CEOs are increasingly turning to engaging professional executive coaches to assist CEOs in their performance and growth and reduce attrition.

Why should CEOs have coaches now? Previous generations managed without them. Today’s president or CEO faces more pressures than ever. Business leaders are dealing with rapidly changing markets, technologies and workforces, increased financial and legal scrutiny . . . and more. Top executives who feel that they can handle it all by themselves are more likely to burn out, make poor decisions or make no decisions – potentially resulting in significant loss of opportunities, human resources and financial resources. The job of CEO is unique from several perspectives: No one else needs to hear the truth more, and gets it less from employees; no one else is the focus of criticism when things go wrong; no one else is the final decision maker on difficult and often lose-lose decisions; and finally, no one else enjoys the almost hero-celebrity status and rewards.

The success rate and longevity of top executives is vast different than a generation ago. In the past two decades, 30% of Fortune 500 CEOs have lasted less than 3 years. Top executive failure rates as high as 75% and rarely less than 30%. Chief executives now are lasting 7.6 years on a global average down from 9.5 years in 1995. According to the Harvard Business Review, 2 out of 5 new CEOs fail in their first 18 months on the job. It appears that the major reason for the failure has nothing to do with competence, or knowledge, or experience, but rather with hubris and ego and a leadership style out of touch with modern times. Research shows when someone assumes a new or different leadership role they have a 40% change of demonstrating disappointing performance. Furthermore, 82% of newly appointed leaders derail because they fail to build partnerships with subordinates and peers.

Sydney Finkelstein, author of Why Smart Executives Fail, researched several spectacular failures during a six-year period. He concluded that these CEOs had similar deadly habits of which most were related to unchecked egos. David Dotlich and Peter C. Cairo, in their book, Why CEOs Fail: The 11 Behaviors That Can Derail Your Climb To The Top And How To Manage Them, present 11 cogent reasons why CEOs fail, most of which have to do with hubris, ego and a lack of emotional intelligence. Call it overconfidence or ego, but powerful and successful leaders often distrust or feel they don’t need advice from anyone.

A study by Kelly See, Elizabeth Wolfe Morrison, and Naomi Rothman, published in Organizational Behavior and Human Decision, concluded one characteristic of powerful and successful leaders is high levels of self-confidence. Unfortunately, the researchers say, the higher the self-confidence, the less likely these leaders are open to advice and feedback. They also make the point that powerful leaders seldom get useful feedback in their organizations. Subordinates are loath to give bad news or critical feedback, and many boards are not diligent in seeing feedback for performance improvement, particularly relationships, as important as other things, such as financial results. See and her colleagues also contend that today’s leaders are under enormous stresses. These stresses often produce anxiety, fear and physical illness, which strong leaders are hesitant to divulge over concern about judgments that may be made about their capacities or longevity.

Why is this leadership crisis happening? One reason may be the gaps between how leaders see themselves and how others see them. Call it self-awareness. These blind spots can be career limiting. The wider the gap, the more resistance there is to change. It also makes it difficult to create a positive organizational culture where openness and honesty are not encouraged.

Good leaders make people around them successful. They are passionate and committed, authentic, courageous, honest and reliable. But in today’s high-pressure environment, leaders need a confidante, a mentor, or someone they can trust to tell the truth about their behavior. They rarely get that from employees and infrequently from board members.

Paul Michelman, writing in the Harvard Business Review Working Knowledge, cites the fact that most major companies now make coaching a core part of their executive development programs. The belief is that one-on-one personal interaction with an objective third party can provide a focus that other forms of organizational support cannot. A 2004 study by Right Management Consultants found 86% of companies used coaches in their leadership development program.

Marshall Goldsmith, a high profile coach of leaders in Fortune 500 companies and author of The Leader of the Future, argues leaders need coaches when “they feel that a change in behavior—either for themselves or their team members—can make a significant difference in the long-term success of the organization.”

Eric Schmidt, Chairman and CEO of Google, who said that his best advice to new CEOs was “have a coach.” Schmidt goes on to say “once I realized I could trust him [the coach] and that he could help me with perspective, I decided this was a great idea…” Mike Myatt says in his article, The Benefits of a Top CEO Coach, Executives who rise to the C-suite do so largely based upon their ability to consistently make sound decisions. However while it may take years of solid decision making to reach the boardroom it often times only takes one bad decision to fall from the ivory tower. The reality is that in today’s competitive business world an executive is only as good as his/her last decision, or their ability to stay ahead of contemporaries and competitors.”

Douglas McKenna, writing in Forbes magazine, argues that the top athletes in the world, and even Barack Obama, have coaches. In his study of executive coaching, McKenna, who is CEO and Executive Director for the Center for Organizational Leadership at The Oceanside Institute, argues that executive coaches should be reserved for everyone at C-level, heads of major business units or functions, technical or functional wizards and high-potential young leaders.

Despite its popularity, many CEOs and senior executives are reluctant to report that they have a coach, says Jonathan Schwartz, one-time President and CEO of Sun Microsystems, who had an executive coach himself. Steve Bennett, former CEO of Intuit says, “At the end of the day, people, who are high achievers—who want to continue to learn and grow and be effective—need coaching.”

John Kador, writing in CEO Magazine, argues that while board members can be helpful, most CEOs shy away from talking to the board about their deepest uncertainties. Other CEOs can lend a helping ear, but there are barriers to complete honesty and trust. Kador writes, “No one in the organization needs an honest, close and long term relationship with a trusted advisor more than a CEO.” Kador reports conversations with several high profile CEOs: “Great CEOs, like great athletes, benefit from coaches that bring a perspective that comes from years of knowing [you], the company and what [you] need to do as a CEO to successfully drive the company forward,” argues William R. Johnson, CEO of the H.J. Heinz Co., “every CEO can benefit from strong, assertive and honest coaching.” The cost of executive coaches, particularly a good one, is not cheap, but “compared to the decisions CEOs make, money is not the issue,” says Schwartz, “if you have a new perspective, if you feel better with your team, the board and the marketplace, then you have received real value.”

The much asked question about coaching is its ROI. The majority of studies including a major one by Joy McGovern and her colleagues at the research firm, Manchester, indicated that the executives who received coaching valued the service between $100,000 to $1 million ROI. Joyce Russell, the Dean of the Robert H. Smith School of Business at the University of Maryland contends that once considered a concern of an employee or executive was assigned a coach, now it is viewed as a privilege and a sign that the organization values the executive’s contributions and is willing to invest money in their future growth and development.

Robert Lee former President and CEO of the Center for Creative Leadership provided a research study for the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology regarding the use of executive coaches in organizations. He identified the most common areas of focus which included: dealing with paradox and ambiguity; shared power; personal visibility vs. private persona; interpersonal distance vs. personal closeness; narcissism and pride vs. humility; approachability vs. tough mindedness; emotional openness vs. rationality and logic; empowering and enabling vs. directive and forcefulness; extroversion vs. introversion; leading from the heart vs. leading from the head; ethics and morality vs. pragmatism and the ends justifies the means.

Professional executive coaches can help leaders grow and improve performance, reduce or eliminate their blind spots and be open to constructive feedback, not only reducing the likelihood of failure, and premature burnout but also provide an atmosphere in which the executive can express fears, failures and dreams. Smart CEOs and progressive organizations now realize the value of a good CEO coach.

 

This week’s guest blogger is Ray Williams. Ray provides leadership development to executives. He is author of The Leadership Edge, Breaking Bad Habits, and the novel Dragon Tamer, and also writes for Psychology Today, the National Post/Financial Post and Salon.com Ray currently is President of Ray Williams Associates, a company with offices in Vancouver that provides executive mentoring, coaching and leadership training services. Ray Williams has over 35 years of leadership experience as a CEO, HR Executive, Management Consultant and Leadership Trainer.

His web site: http://raywilliams.ca/

 

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