Author Archives: Michael

Forget Willpower! Stop Mindless Eating (and Other Bad Habits) Through Disruption

This week’s guest blog is written by Heidi Grant Halvorson. Dr. Halvorson is a rising star in the field of motivational science. Heidi is the Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University Business School. She is a an expert blogger for Fast Company, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, as well as a regular contributor to the BBC World Service’s Business Daily, the Harvard Business Review, and SmartBrief’s SmartBlog on Leadership. Her writing has also been featured on CNN Living and Mamapedia. Her new book “Succeed: How We Can All Reach Our Goals”, and her Harvard Business Review ebook, “Nine Things Successful People Do Differently” are available on Amazon.
You can contact Heidi at heidi.grant.halvorson@gmail.com

Do you snack every night in front of the television? Do you drink a little too much when you are out with your friends? Do you ever find that you’ve smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, bitten off half your nails, or eaten an entire bag of Doritos without realizing you were doing it?

That’s the real problem when it comes to ridding yourself of bad habits – back in the beginning, when the behavior was new; it was something you did intentionally and probably consciously. But do anything enough times, and it becomes relatively automatic. In other words, you don’t even need to know that you are doing it.

In fact, as new research shows, you don’t even need to want to do it. If you develop the habit of snacking in front of your TV at night, how hungry you are or how tasty the snack is will no longer determine whether or how much you eat.

Many bad habits operate mindlessly, on autopilot. They are triggered by the context (e.g., watching TV, socializing, feeling stressed), rather than by any particular desire to engage in the behavior. So, the key to stopping a bad habit isn’t making a resolution – it’s figuring out how to turn off the autopilot. It’s learning to disrupt the behavior, preferably before it starts.

Take for example a recent study of Movie Theater popcorn-eating. Researchers invited a group of people to watch fifteen minutes of movie previews while seated in a real movie theater. They gave the participants free bags of popcorn, and varied whether the popcorn was fresh or stale. (The stale popcorn was actually a week old, yuck!) Then they measured how much popcorn each person ate.

Not surprisingly, everyone who got the stale popcorn reported liking it less than those who got fresh. And people with a weak popcorn habit (i.e., those who didn’t usually eat popcorn at the movies) ate significantly more fresh popcorn than stale. But here’s the kicker – for people with a strong popcorn habit (i.e., those who always ordered popcorn at the movies) it didn’t matter how stale the popcorn was! They ate the same amount, whether it was an hour old, or seven days old.

That’s worth thinking about for a moment – people with a strong habit were eating terrible popcorn, not because they didn’t notice it was terrible, but because it didn’t matter. The behavior was automatic, not intentional. So if tasting like Styrofoam won’t keep you from eating something, what will?

The researchers found that there were, in fact, two effective ways to disrupt the automatic popcorn-eating.

First, you can disrupt the habit by changing the context. When they conducted the same study in the context of a conference room, rather than a movie theater, people with strong popcorn habits at the movie theater stopped eating the stale popcorn. The automatic popcorn-eating behavior wasn’t activated, because the situational cues were changed.

If you have a habit you’d like to break, spend some time thinking about the situations in which it most often occurs. If you snack in front of the TV at night, consider doing something else in the evenings for a while – reading a good book, spending time with friends or family, even surfing the web. Any alternative activity that is less likely to trigger mindless eating. If you just can’t give up your favorite TV shows, you might try rearranging the room or sitting in a different chair – anything that alters the context can help.

Second, you can disrupt a habit by changing the method of performance. In another study, the researchers found that asking habitual popcorn eaters who were in a movie theater to eat with their non-dominant hand, stopped them from eating the stale popcorn, too.

So if you can’t change the situation, you can change the way the habit gets executed. If you mindlessly eat or smoke with your right hand, try using your left. If you mindlessly drink from the glass that the bartender keeps refilling, try sitting at a table instead of the bar, so you’ll have to consciously get up and ask for a refill. Making the behavior a little more difficult or awkward to perform can be a great way to throw a wrench in the works.

Too often, we blame our failures on the wrong things. When it comes to ridding ourselves of bad habits, we usually chalk our difficulties up to a lack of commitment or willpower. But as I’ve argued in my new book, “Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals”, conquering your behavioral demons needs to start with understanding how they really work and applying the most effective strategy. In this case, success comes from not making it quite so easy for your autopilot to run the show.

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A Quick List on… “How to deal with an addict in your life”

This week’s guest blog is written by Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC is a Professional Life Coach, certified by the International Coach Federation and a Family Recovery Coach. As a Family Recovery Coach, Bev’s mission is to help families of addicts blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes.

How do you deal with an addict in your life?

In facing the fact that your loved one is struggling mightily with addiction, it is important to let go of any sense of being a victim of the situation. This simply is what is happening and you are a part of it. Up until now, you may have been part of the problem. Now you can either consciously continue to be part of the problem or volunteer to be part of the solution. If you prefer the latter, here are some tips to help you become part of the solution:

1. Get out of denial and face the elephant in the living room! Don’t enable
a. Allow him or her to experience the consequences of their behavior
b. Don’t fix the mistakes they make

2. Let go of the resentment
a. Let go of ongoing anger, nagging, judgment and disrespect

3. Treat the addict in your life with dignity and respect
a. Look for their positives
b. See them as sick not bad
c. Use a respectful tone of voice that reflects their humanness and their right to  make their  own choices
d. Focus on the good times

4. You can contribute to the addict’s well being and recover by being good to yourself
a. Work on your self-care
b. Pay attention to you, your needs, your foibles, your strengths and successes, and not  those of the addict

5. Allow the addicted person to face their own responsibilities and consequences
a. Don’t go to the ‘heart attack’ level with your addict

6. Set boundaries that work for you. Accept the consequences of your boundary.

7. Get support so you don’t have to ‘go it alone’ (Alanon, Nar-Non meetings, a family recovery coach)

8. Be A Loving Mirror™ (BALM™)
a. Go to a calm place, calm yourself at will
b. When the addict is acting out in front of you, staying calm, listening, and thinking about it objectively
c. At the right time, in a calm manner, discuss what is happening and how it affects you
d. There are only four things that will happen to an addict: Recovery, Death, Institutions, or Jail
e. Find a new way, change your attitude, your response
f. Don’t contribute to the disease, contribute to the recovery. Be there for the recovery, not the addiction.
g. Have an inner shift when you are in a bad place. This is a place of healing our attitudes and healing ourselves.
h. Be a truth teller in a loving way.
i. Develop your inner calm, breathe, lower your heart rate,
ii. share in a dispassionate way
iii. no judgment, no rancor, no rage, no resentment

9. Get calm. Here are a couple of ways to do so:
a. Close your eyes, get comfortable take a deep breath in to the count of 4, hold it to the count of four and let it out to the count of four. Repeat this as needed to restore your calm and slow down your heart rate.
b. Sit in meditation daily. As soon as you sit down, allow yourself to experience the silence and peace underneath all thought and experience. Then, sit and watch your breath without trying to control it. Be aware of the life your breath has apart from you. Not trying to control your breath is a metaphor for not trying to control the addict in our lives. Do this for five minutes 3 times daily. After each time, stretch and feel the calm.

10. Grow your recovery with the 12 Keys to Sanity and watch yourself GROW!

Does this sound like a lot? Get support so you can do all of this with ease and know-how. Start by work individually with a Loving Mirror Family Recovery Coach or join a Loving Mirror Group for family members.

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC is a Professional Life Coach, certified by the International Coach Federation and a Family Recovery Coach. As a Family Recovery Coach, Bev’s mission is to help families of addicts blaze the trail to sobriety in their homes. She helps families of addicts reclaim their own peace of mind and teaches them how to become their addict’s best chance of recovery.  As a family recovery coach she works with parents, spouses or families individually and in small groups to achieve their goals and dreams. You can send an email to bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com to set up a complimentary session.

 

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15 Common Signs of Love or Romance Addiction: Understanding Love and Romance Addiction, Part Two

We welcome the return of our guest blogger, Robert Weiss, the Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers.

Recovering love addicts who have worked on themselves in therapy and 12-step programs like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) can relate to the idea of having used a well-rehearsed repertoire of manipulation to find and hold on to sexual and romantic partners.

Jose, a 32-year-old IT administrator put it this way –

I was always hunting in one form or another to find the special attention and sense of importance that only the right girl might make me feel if I could get with her. I figured I could make it happen with someone if I just wore, said or did the right thing or was good enough in bed, etc. In recovery it was necessary for me to recognize all the manipulative strategies I used to employ to attract and seduce women. As I slowly began to cast these aside, with the support of 12 step members, friends and therapy I actually began to learn my own value and real human worth, which over time has helped to remove the powerful and empty fantasy life that I lived in for so long.

Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to compliment our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of himself to provide the emotional stability he or she lacks within. Working hard to catch someone who can to fix them, rather than learning about and growing beyond their own emptiness, they can become fixated on troubled or emotionally unavailable partners, often providing others with the very love and security they themselves most desire. Ultimately as the love addict’s own emotional needs remain unmet, they may himself act out through verbal or physical abuse of a current partner or though excessive spending, sex addiction, affairs or drugs, experiences that will ultimately reinforce their underlying sense of shame, self hatred and loneliness.

For those seeking a long-term a relationship, healthy romantic intensity is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain love and attachment. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship are the most exhilarating because that emotional state helps us bond and attach. This is when how HE looks, walks, talks, eats and thinks is the subject of endless fantasy, excitement and late night phone calls.

Romance itself, with or without sex, does encourage personal growth when we are open to learning. Then each new relationship can offer insight and self-awareness. Most people easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance; the stuff of endless songs, greeting cards and fantasy. More than romantic intensity or great sex, true long-term intimacy is an experience of being known and accepted by someone over time. Loving relationships develop in part as those first exhilarating times together form a foundation of a deeper, long-term closeness. It is that deeper closeness which ultimately feeds our hearts and keeps us content; long after the rush of new romance has passed.

Love and Romantic addiction are not defined by gender or sexual orientation. The men and women who suffer from these challenges do however have underlying attachment, trauma and/or personality based issues that will require a period of healing to work beyond. It is strongly recommended that love and romance addicts both attend 12-step sex and love addiction meetings and therapy with a specialist trained in behavioral addictions. Hope and change are highly possible – but first the addict has to fully withdraw for some time from the active dating/sex/love game, while being guided by others toward self-reflection, grieving and improving social (non-romantic, non-sexual) peer relationships.

15 most common signs of love or romantic addiction:

1. Frequently mistaking intense sexual experiences or romantic infatuation for love

2. Constantly searching for romance and love

3. Using sex as a means to find or hold onto love

4. Falling in love with people met superficially or solely online

5. Problems maintaining intimate relationships once the initial newness and excitement has worn off

6. Consistent unhappiness, desire to hook-up or anxiety when alone

7. Consistently choosing abusive or emotionally unavailable partners

8. Giving emotionally, financially or otherwise to partners who require a great deal of care-taking but do not or can not reciprocate what they are given

9. When in a long-term relationship most often feeling detached, judgmental or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone

10. Making decisions about what to wear, how to look, what to say etc., based on how others might perceive you, rather than on self-awareness, comfort and creativity.

11. Using sex, money, seduction, drama or other schemes to “hook” or hold onto a partner

12. Missing out on important family, career, recreational or social experiences in order to find, create or maintain a romantic relationship

13. Giving up – by avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to “solve the problem”

14. Being unable to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to self or others

15. Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others not to do so

Editor’s Note: If you think you may be a Love and/or a Romance Addict consider visiting the following sites:

http://www.slaafws.org/

http://www.coda.org/

http://www.itsallaboutlove.com/quiz_3.htm

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

http://www.piamellody.com/

http://recoverytradepublications.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mastin-kipp/addicted-to-love-part-1_b_652919.html

This blog was written by: Robert Weiss, Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute and Director of Sexual Disorders Services at The Ranch Treatment Center and Promises Treatment Centers. These centers serve individuals seeking sex, love, romance and codependency addiction. Follow Robert on Twitter @RobWeissMSW
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