Healthy Dating Guidelines – Part One

Melissa Killeen

As a recovery coach, I often see that many of my clients have difficulties negotiating new relationships. In the 12 step rooms’ of the sex and love addictions, members write their healthy dating guidelines when they are entering a new relationship. They review their dating guidelines and commit to following these guidelines to their sponsor, before the first date. The following dating guidelines can be used by young adults, people that are separated or divorced, and for those who have been single for decades. This first blog focuses on selecting the characteristics you want in a potential date, the first date guidelines and first date deal breakers. Next week’s blog will cover the dating guidelines for the first month through the sixth month. These guidelines are specific to circumstances that may occur during the courtship period. Hopefully, these suggestions will help anyone avoid the common pitfalls faced by those who are trying to win the heart of another.  Feel free to circle the items that you embrace as your healthy dating guidelines. Write in what you think you need to have for a healthy dating experience. And you can leave any item that does not apply to you.

Characteristics I Want in a Potential Date:

My potential dating prospect should be (circle as many that apply)

My potential dating prospect should live (circle as many that apply)

My potential dating prospect should have this amount of education (circle as many that apply)

My potential dating prospect should have these qualities (circle as many that apply)

It is important that my potential date is healthy in the following factors (circle as many that apply)

Dating Guidelines — circle any guideline that may apply to you

First Date Guidelines

• Allow for two days between accepting a date and the actual date
• A date has a start and stop time of three hours or less, no all day or all afternoon dates
• The first date is always in a public place like a coffee shop or student center. I will avoid dark places, outdoor parks, bars and the guy’s apartment.
• Drive to the date location in separate cars
• A friend, babysitter or adult child is aware of who I am with, where I am going, and what time I can be expected home
• Call a friend before I leave for the date and tell them I’ll call them when the date is over (bookending)
• No drinking alcohol on the first date
• Be prepared to split the bill on all first dates
• Must have clear conversation concerning marriage status
• I turn off my phone during a date, I communicate this with my date

First Date Deal Breakers

• Discussions concerning body parts, innuendos about sex, discussion of sexual likes/dislikes are deal breakers
• I will not get involved with anyone who is clearly unresolved about past relationships.  No heavy talk about past partners, wives, husbands, etc.
• I confuse love with pity and/or the need to rescue. Men or women who display a need for a caretaker; or that need to be rescued are deal breakers
• I will not date active addicts of any type: Drug Users, Cigarette Smokers, Compulsive Overeaters; Hoarders, Debtors; Drinkers; Workaholics; Gamblers; Sex Addicts; in other words, I do not date men or women that are not in recovery
• The bad boy, bad girl, unavailable men or women (e.g. married, but unhappy, separated but living with spouse, living with parents), and men/women that have anger, rage or impulse control issues
• Individuals that display intensities beyond the normal- over board passionate opinions regarding religion, politics, race, sports, fashion, social media, etc.
• Constant use of electronic devices during the date

A long term relationship takes hard work, is it worth it? Being with someone for a long time is a sublime experience. Having a close, intimate connection to another person is unlike any other relationship you have experienced. Perhaps the experience of a lifetime. For people who make it through the heart-pounding passion of falling in love for the first time, a long term committed relationship may seem hard, but it’s worth the effort.

Melissa Killeen wants to thank Juanita Johnson for her input on this blog